Pointlessness, a constand feeling of being horrified beyond beleif, an intense feeling of the absolute end. Waking up and not being able to get out of bed, every second of everyday is a battle to survive your horrifying feelings. You can't think straight, it's not about personal strength or being weak, it is an illness that swallows your life. You are trapped in the coldest, most pointless hell. You feel the immence indifference of the world. Your world stands still and every object you see, every person you see, sends you a feeling that you are worthless and no body cares. Mental terror- seems like it will never ever ever go away. You want to do something about it but you are tied up. It is anger without the enthusiasm. Sadness without the comfort of tears. You just stare, and feel the most hollow, scarey feeling, your spirit dies, your passion dies, the joy you once had seems like somebody elses. You want to duck tape yourself to your bed, never eat, and smoke a pack of cigarettes. Nothing, even comforting words from your mother and supportive friends come across as overwhelmingly meaningless. Every sound is annoying, melodies of songs scare you. Smells make you weak. You force down your food, you force out your words, going to the bathroom is a chore. You want to rott and you hate every second of it. You realize how it feels to be the homeless, to have no heart, to have to much of a heart. You self sabotage yourself with every thought and word, you don't grow until afterwards, while you are in it you drop to the bottom and can't figure anything out and if you try you fall faster. Going outside out of your apartment would take extreme courage. You look at the ground as you walk, you don't look up cause your spirit will crumble, you want to be normal, you want to be a good person, but you can't cause you are SICK, just as sick as someone with cancer or aids but it is in your head, you can't look at anyone in the eye, you stare at there neck and hope the moment is over soon. All you can do is bare down, and eat the shit sandwich that is your life. Day after day, night after night repeat, right when you think you may be feeling a little better, you are hit even harder with eternal pointlessness and horror. POINTLESS!, ugly, the word'sad' doesn't come close. The word 'depressed' sounds like a holiday. For someone who hasn't felt it before a tiny taste of it would be unbeleivable, the worst feelings all rolled into one big indifferent horror movie, with a really weak plot, with bad production, pitiful acting, the movie lasts for months and months, and you can't walk out. watch and wait longer than you thought possible, then watch and wait more with a subtle yet intense mental anguish. Hang on................
How are you doing?
Not very good, i am depressed, and i no longer feel i am living.
December 12, 2006