The absolute truth proven by it's own contents read by conservative arts grads (people with hunting licences) which is widely known by it's readers to be completely absurd. Howerver, sed readers accept it do to the wide range of other readers who believe it only because the highly unlikely consequences of sed book being true (eternal hellfire). This is known as the best option theory. In reality anything goes and one idea is just as good as another since the principles of metaphysics are unknowable, therefore readers of the bible choose to formally declare it's principles as truth to keep the best possible outcomes on their side.
*Judgement day comes and trumpets sound

Rev. J.T. Holmes: No accountability Mothafucka! hell yeah! Metaphysical game theory for the motherfucking win! you should have read the goddamn rules before you showed up at reality atheists! anything goes! you choose the fucking best option for your self interests, not the one that makes the most sense idiots. Best case scenario me, heaven. Worst case, dust. Best case scenario you, dirt, worst case, hell. hahahahahahah. Better get to that black hole you love so much or lou ghericks disease won't be the worst of your troubles... shoulda read the bible.

Stephen Hawking: Fuck you.
#game theory #stephen hawking #philosophy #christianity #religion
by Reverend J.T. Homeslice May 01, 2011
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An ancient novel full of murder, corruption, homosexuality, bestiality, incest and cruelty. It is often read to children on Sunday.
Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her " Apple or GTFO"(cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis; God Lol'd.

Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.

Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's server, and laughed at the Jews.

After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.


- By Noah McHugh
I read the bible, it was epic as hell.
#bible #god #jesus #satan #the bible
by Noah McHugh May 09, 2008
The Bible is probably the best book ever. You can use it as a coaster, hit people with it, look funny and quote it, eat the pages, fire fuel, toilet paper, start a war, control the stoopid people of the world, read it and become president, Hanaukkah present, piss off the Muslims, and turn back the clock.
I used my bible yesterday as a fiber subustitute.
#jeebus #creationism #intelligent design #turning back the clock #god
by MistahTom December 07, 2005
#1 Fiction Best Seller
what is the need for a bible example?
#fiction #best #seller #lol #new #york #times
by lulZmEaN December 29, 2007
A tremendous book that cultivates the belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
The Bible helped me stop masturbating and taught me the value of space docking with God.
#bible #christianity #god #humanity #space docking
by Netaungrot August 29, 2007
The Bible in 50 words...

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Joseph ruled, Jacob fooled,Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided, Promise landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained.
- What other book has all the words from the Bible?
- A dictionary.
#god #bible #scripnure #holy #jesus
by alvit May 20, 2009
A historically ficticious piece of literature written to inspire the gullible, bring fear to small children and provide a good substitute for fire wood. Does not mention dinosaurs.
"Gee whiz! The bible does not mention dinosaurs. Must be based on factual occurences!"

"The priest read the bible alone with the children. He must be a good guy and not a pedophile"
#bible #old #new #testament #bibel #jesus #god #heaven #hell #atheist #atheism #christ #christianity #catholics #judaism #islam #jew #fake #beastiality #incest #homosexuality #beginning #earth #sabbath #church #priest
by krey1112 July 27, 2009
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