Manopotomus 

A morbidly obese gargantuan, barely discernable as a member of the human species; closely related to the water dwelling beast indigenous to the African continent, but with the power of speech, and a penchant for processed foods, bad hygiene and Yoo-hoo as opposed to melons and leafy greens. Will kill unwitting individuals who impede access to foods, compete for desired foods, or appear to be foods themselves.

Male or female, they are often seen terrorizing supermarkets in electric 'opotomus' carts, as their legs are unable to support their near liquid, oozing, and corpulent girth. They are known to plunder the chip aisle and consume fried dough, pork rinds, and patronize chain buffets, where it is common to discover they are ‘platinum feast members’. These creatures also procreate at an alarming rate, and are oft seen towing their bloated progeny in the quest for saturated fat, salt, and high calorie food substitutes at state fairs and other festive venues to include tractor pulls and professional wrestling events. Although easily recognizable by sheer size, other tell tale signs are inability to ambulate due to weight, soiled t-shirts and sweat pants, children sporting sticky non-specific and nebulous substances about face and mouth. In rare cases, manopotomus may be able to detach lower mandible in order to consume entire cakes or other large pastries in a single bite and in the absence of liquid facilitation in a manner akin to many reptiles.

Manopotomus by Matt's Borderline November 10, 2010