od smith's definitions

cets

1. A place where embittered and unhelpful wastes of time work, telling you how to get a shitty job and deny you the opportunity to work where you want. This ignores the fact that they were on a course there and had no chance of getting a job themselves, so decided to work there and generally take out their frustrations on the poor sods stuck there.

2. Home of most New Deal courses, unemployable chavs and bigots, and an overhanging sense of despair.

"For the next six months you will be placed at the nearest CETS Centre and patronised until you can't be fucked to play along, while surrounded by ignorance on a scale not seen since the last BNP conference." (paraphrased, of course)

by OD Smith March 15, 2005

nicky hilton

The better looking, non-irritating and far less overexposed sister of Paris Hilton.

Actually, I find Nicky Hilton to be better looking than Paris, and not so bloody irritating.

by OD Smith February 23, 2005

Little Britain

1. Overrated, unfunny shite that uses the same jokes every week - in fact, the same joke for several characters. And it manages to rip off The Fast Show and The League of Gentleman without being as funny as either.

2. This week's "Greatest British Comedy Creation" (TM)

3. A couple of chancers (see above).

Anyone that recites one of the crappy catchphrases ad nauseum...

by OD Smith February 16, 2005

jodie marsh

The cut-price, bargain basement Jordan.

Since we can't afford to pay Jordan to wear very little in our magazine, we might as well phone Jodie Marsh.

by OD Smith March 10, 2005

Daily Mail

1.) The Fearmonger's Bible.
2.) A paper for Middle Class, Middle Aged, Middle Englanders' wives.
3.) Where bad journalists go to get paid employment.
4.) Not a tabloid, honest.

1.) "Britain is being overrun by terrorists/asylum seekers/alcopops/video nasties/Lee Bowyer..."
2.) "My word, dear. Britain appears to be overrun by terrorists/asylum seekers/alcopops/video nasties/Lee Bowyer..."
3.) "I have no journalistic integrity whatsoever, so I'll state that Britain is being overrun by terrorists/asylum seekers/alcopops/video nasties/Lee Bowyer..."
4.) "We state the Truth, such as 'Britain is being overrun by terrorists/asylum seekers/alcopops/video nasties/Lee Bowyer...', which you won't see in The Sun."

by OD Smith April 8, 2005

Anna Kournikova

For several years, the most famous Russian sportsperson for her exploits (or lack thereof) on the tennis courts. In fact, she earned far more money through advertising deals due to being extraordinarily sexy indeed and looking good advertising sports bras and having FHM shoots than anything she did on court. Mainly as she, famously, never won a single tournament but regularly packed the courts at Wimbledon when playing, before retiring at the age of 23.

The success of Maria Sharapova, fit and a good player with a Wimbledon victory aged 19 in 2004 ended comparisons very quickly indeed.

"Come on Anna!" - The average Wimbledon spectator, either showing his support of projecting his sexual fantasy. Probably both.

by OD Smith July 3, 2005

Liberteenies

People who have been taken in by the hype surrounding Pete Doherty and every non-band he occasionally bothers to make uninspiring music with, when not busy making a twat out of himself at great length.

Liberteenies: The acolytes at the cult of Pete Doherty.
Liberteenies: The only people who don't point out that Pete Doherty doesn't even have the balls to overdose like a real rockstar.

by OD Smith June 4, 2007