jim birtwisle's definitions

lotus notes

A piece of crap email and data base client server. It has millions of user throughout the world, however you won't find anybody who considers it easy to use.

Interfaces are difficult to navigate and the programme often crashes or stays hanging, requiring the user to restart the application or completely reboot the computer. It is characterised by ugly colour schemes and unecessarily tedious command requirements to carry out simple tasks. Want to see an email attachment with just 2 mouse clicks? Forget it. The use of Lotus Notes is scientifically linked to rage disorders.

As one website puts it, it is "the digital equivalent of being kicked in the groin upon arrival at work every day"

Welcome to your new job Sir, here we use Lotus Notes...Sir, why are you running away? Sir...Sir!!!

by Jim Birtwisle February 20, 2008

Scatch

A sub-standard beach game involving two small round velcro pads strapped flat against the palm of the hand and a fluffy tennis ball. It took the British beach holiday by storm in the nineties until it's flaws came to light. These being that the pads were useless if they came into contact with sand and the ball likewise with water. There were many children left dissapointed with Scatch, I was one of them.

Look at those two kids over there, their Scatch isn't working either!

by Jim Birtwisle March 14, 2008

traveller

An alcoholic beverage, usually a tin of lager that is taken for consumption on public transport en route to the pub/bar/club

John, taking any travellers for the train?

by Jim Birtwisle January 16, 2008

Wetherspoons

A chain of pubs throughouth Britain that act as a magnet for chavs and minors. Invariably centre stage for all fighting due to the lack of entertainment allowing low priced alcohol and thus large concentrations of both men and women that enjoy violence.

Dude, Where's Mickey?

Oh he fancied a fight so he went up to the Wetherspoons

by Jim Birtwisle January 17, 2008

rolling on dubs

To drive a vehicle fitted with large (and usually ridiculous looking) alloy wheels. Rock stars and footballers proudly roll on some of the biggest dubs that often have spinning centres that automatically make them look like retards.

Matt, I saw Joe Cole in his car yesterday.

Was he rolling on dubs?

Yeah, he looked like a total knob.

by Jim Birtwisle January 17, 2008

type cast

To presume that an actor or actress will assume a character akin to that for which they have previously become famous. A good example is Matt Le Blanc. Having become so famous for his laid back, butt of all jokes character Joey in the tired US comedy Friends, it becomes hard to take him seriously in any other type of role.

Mike: Shall we rent 'Lost in Space'?

James: (hysterical laughter) Look, it's Joey on the cover trying to look hard!

Mike: Yeah, I guess he has been type cast

by Jim Birtwisle January 18, 2008

chugger

Composite of 'chrity' and 'mugger'. These people will stop you in the street and talk to you as if they are your oldest and best friend. All of which is a false cover for their real intention. Working on commission, they need people to donate to the charities which they 'represent' and to do this they will guilt trip you into handing over all your details.
One effective way of giving to the charity, yet not being conned into surrendering your card details and other sensitive information is to request the address and contact details of the charities head office and offer to make a direct payment. This will annoy the chugger as it cuts them out of the equation but you will have the upper hand. Otherwise try to think of a quirky reply to their begging for which they will have no answer or look straight through them.

Chugger: Do you like children?

Me: Yes, but I couldn't eat a whole one.

Chugger: (silence and look of shock)

by Jim Birtwisle January 18, 2008