al benedict's definitions

patriot bruise

A bruise that consists of an inner white circle (dead skin) surrounded by a blue ring (regular bruise) surrounded by a red ring (pissed off capillaries).

Red, white and blue. Get it?

A badge of honor in close contact, high velocity sports like Racquetball.

"I got a patriot bruise on my calf playing Ralph last weekend".
"Holy crap. So you did."

by Al Benedict October 18, 2020

Showing card tricks to a dog

Trying to a explain something that's very complex to someone that doesn't understand the basic fundamentals the thing you are explaining is based on.

I tried to explain it to him, but he kept asking the same non sequitur questions over and over. I felt like I was showing card tricks to a dog.

by Al Benedict November 14, 2010

Brown Bunny

1) A hard piece of shit that is starting to emerge from between your cheeks before you get to the toilet.

2) A notoriously bad, self indulgent film by Vincent Gallo.

Bob: (Bangs on stall door) "Hurry up! I've got a Brown Bunny here!"
Bill: "OK, OK" (Leaves stall)
Bob: "Thanks!" (Grabs cans of film and rushes in. Seconds later, a flushing sound is heard)
Bob: "Ahhh... That's much better." (Emerges with now empty film cans).

by Al Benedict August 18, 2009

bring the nuke

Resort to extreme measures. A metaphor for putting aside conventional weapons and using nuclear ones.

"They aren't taking the hint? OK, time to bring the nuke and tell them to cut it out or we'll drag them off the premises."

by Al Benedict January 15, 2022

Tuvan Phone Call

A phone call in which you choose your words carefully in an attempt to maintain a coherent conversation with the person on the end of the line while giving a completely different impression of what the conversation is about to anyone standing next to you. Usually involves more than the usual number of pronouns.

From "Tuvan Throat Singing", where you sing two different notes at once.

I had a Tuvan Phone Call last night with my girlfriend. We went on for half an hour and my Grandma had no idea we were having phone sex.

by Al Benedict April 17, 2010

Airbagging with the kid

Driving a car with a small child in your lap. In the event of an accident, the child's body will help protect you from injury by cushioning the blow between yourself and the steering wheel.

Bob: Should you be talking on your cellphone while you're driving?
Bill: Relax, I'm Airbagging with the kid. Even if I hit something, I'll be fine.

by Al Benedict April 15, 2008

Common Sense

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

by Al Benedict June 11, 2009