al benedict's definitions

Tuvan Phone Call

A phone call in which you choose your words carefully in an attempt to maintain a coherent conversation with the person on the end of the line while giving a completely different impression of what the conversation is about to anyone standing next to you. Usually involves more than the usual number of pronouns.

From "Tuvan Throat Singing", where you sing two different notes at once.

I had a Tuvan Phone Call last night with my girlfriend. We went on for half an hour and my Grandma had no idea we were having phone sex.

by Al Benedict April 17, 2010

cryptonimby

Someone that is terribly, terribly offended at the very thought of being accused of being a NIMBY, but refuses on the grounds of "reasonable concerns" to allow any development in their area.

"OMG. The Traffic!"

"Been studied. It will be fine."

"OMG. The Sewage!"

"We're only using 1/3 of what we have."

"OMG! My view!"

"Of what? You won't even be able see it through your trees."

"Why are you being this way?"

"Because you're a total cryptonimby"

by Al Benedict October 26, 2018

Showing card tricks to a dog

Trying to a explain something that's very complex to someone that doesn't understand the basic fundamentals the thing you are explaining is based on.

I tried to explain it to him, but he kept asking the same non sequitur questions over and over. I felt like I was showing card tricks to a dog.

by Al Benedict November 14, 2010

Loud Pipes

The only concession to safety that a motorcycle needs. Time was, you were expected to wear visible clothing and a helmet and drive predictably. Now it's OK to dress completely in black (no helmet) and pop in and out of lanes at will. As long as you have really loud, low pitched, non-directional exhaust noise.

Loud pipes endanger lives.

"Boy, these loud pipes rock. Everybody takes their eyes off the road to figure out where the hell the racket is coming from and get into massive pileups. Then I just drive around the mess."

by Al Benedict June 4, 2013

Spamburst

When your email address is chosen as the lucky winner in the contest held by a spammer to determine which email address will be used for the day's, ahem, First Amendment protected free commercial speech. The end results is hundreds if not thousands of bounced messages.

I probably got your message. It just got caught in a spamburst yesterday.

by Al Benedict October 1, 2008

Common Sense

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

by Al Benedict June 11, 2009

<yawn>

Internet speak for "Oh shit. I just lost the argument."

Bob: So that's why your argument makes no sense.
Bill: <yawn> Whatever, dude.
Bob: Victory is mine.

by Al Benedict June 23, 2012