al benedict's definitions

Loud Pipes

The only concession to safety that a motorcycle needs. Time was, you were expected to wear visible clothing and a helmet and drive predictably. Now it's OK to dress completely in black (no helmet) and pop in and out of lanes at will. As long as you have really loud, low pitched, non-directional exhaust noise.

Loud pipes endanger lives.

"Boy, these loud pipes rock. Everybody takes their eyes off the road to figure out where the hell the racket is coming from and get into massive pileups. Then I just drive around the mess."

by Al Benedict June 4, 2013

Oneing the two

Attempting to remove stuck poop from a toilet with a well aimed high pressure stream of pee.

Are you Oneing the two in there?

Well, it's not like I have choice. You threw out the brush.

It was gross

by Al Benedict October 7, 2010

Yuppie Porn

Television shows or glossy magazines featuring real estate, automobiles, gadgets, boats or furniture of the type preferred by the stereotypical yuppie, even if they are not written or shot with the intention of selling the actual products. A derogatory spin on the stereotype that yuppies receive the same stimulation from material objects that non-yuppies do from sex. Yuppie porno or yuppie pornography can be used.

"Yuppie porn at the New York Times": Title of an article on salon.com about the New York Times' new real estate quarterly.

by Al Benedict November 12, 2006

tauntbary

A music library (iTunes or otherwise) that's visible to your roommates or coworkers, but due to firewalls or DRM restrictions, contains nothing that can be played.

Bob: Bill just shared his iTunes library. Let's take a look.

Bob: Dammit. Another tauntbary.

by Al Benedict December 20, 2012

Security by Banality

A computer system made secure by obviously containing nothing of interest. Never a protection against pranksters, in the age of Zombie Spammers, this concept is mostly obsolete.

I protected Mom's computer by installing Windows 98 on it and putting up a thick firewall of bundt cake recipes. True Security by Banality.

by Al Benedict April 9, 2008

Common Sense

A phrase used by someone who wants any critical analysis of what they are saying to stop immediately.

"Global warming can't exist because it was cold last winter. That's just common sense."

by Al Benedict June 11, 2009

Airbagging with the kid

Driving a car with a small child in your lap. In the event of an accident, the child's body will help protect you from injury by cushioning the blow between yourself and the steering wheel.

Bob: Should you be talking on your cellphone while you're driving?
Bill: Relax, I'm Airbagging with the kid. Even if I hit something, I'll be fine.

by Al Benedict April 15, 2008