v. inf. A common phrase used to describe the occasion of a man suddenly producing his penis, often when completely unexpected and for no reason whatsoever.
Jim: See the game last night?
Dave: Yeah, United were unlucky to lose.
Jim: Think they'll sack the manager now?
Dave: They might have to. What do you think Gary?
*Gary whips it out*
v./n. inf(!) to unexpectedly penetrate someone's anus; often, of a heterosexual couple engaged in doggy style
intercourse, when the male withdraws from the vagina, and hilariously re-inserts into the anus without prior warning.
NOT to be confused with the equally amusing Cadbury Surprise
Betty: ... but then, as I... as I was about to... come, for some reason he pulled out... and then... *breaks down sobbing* he.. he put it... oh god! *sobs uncontrolably*
Psychiatrist 1: He gave you a BACKDOOR SURPRISE!? What a guy!!!
*hi-fives Psychiatrist 2*
Psychiatrist 2: Man, that is awesome!
Priest: Do you, Terry, promise to turn this respectful, sweet and innocent young lady into a nasty, filthy, fusty, slimy, cummy, rotten, shitty, dirty, skanky, rancid, foul, putrid, fetid, horrible little bumslut?
Me: I do.
Priest: And do you, Germaine, promise to take a regular rectal rogering from your betrothed as and when he demands?
Bumslut: I do.
Priest: We now conclude the ceremony by explaining in graphic detail and diagram the foul, ungodly, unforgivable anal action which will tonight take place in Germaine's pink, pristine, virgin bumhole to her father.
Father: I might kill myself if you do that.
n. (sometimes "elephant impersonation") To open your pockets out, unzip your fly, and whip it out
, thus your pockets bearing vague resemblance to elephant ears, and your walloper
to the beast's trunk.
The more ardent of impersonators will paint his beef dagger
grey, then gel his pubes
outwards and paint them white, to give the impression of tusks.
The kids weren't amused by his balloon shapes or his juggling, and Coco the clown was running out of ideas. He had to make sure these kids had fun or he wouldn't get paid for the gig. All of a sudden, he had a stroke of genius!
"Say, kids..." whispered Coco, "do you like wild animals?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" yelled the brats excitedly.
"Well, what luck!" the clown laughed, "'cos I just happen to have my pet elephant with me today!"
"Hooray!" shouted the kids.
Coco was fined £5000, put on the Sex Offenders' Register and sentenced to 3 years without parole for indecent exposure to minors.
Elephant impressions are not suitable for children under 10 years old.
n. A particular breed of ned
who, instead of being plain aggressive and threatening, is full of bravado and chooses instead to shout witticisms at passers-by. Favourites include:
"show's yer fanny!" ("could I please see your vagina?")
"gie's a gobble!" ("would you please perform oral sex on me?")
"we arra peepell!" (chanted throughout Glasgow housing estates whenever Rangers win the league - "we are the people?" God knows what it means)
Cheeky neds are more very curious, constantly asking you what you are doing or looking at and wondering if you'd care to duel.
Cheeky ned (at bus stop at 2 in the morning with bottle of Buckfast) : Whit you lookin' at?
Passer-by: Eh, nothing really. Straight ahead mostly.
Cheeky ned: Whit? Whit you daein'?
Passer-by: What am I doing? Going home. Why?
Cheeky ned: Whit? Who you talkin' tae?
Passer-by: I was under the impression I was talking to you.
Cheeky ned: Aw, whit man! You're gettin pure do'ed!
Passer-by: I hope your cigarette ash lands on your tracksuit.
n. cow meat which has at some stage in its production been exposed to hair.
Maw Parker: I got you steaks for dinner kids.
Kid #1: Cool.
Kid #2: There's hair on my beef!
(Other kids all snigger at the connotations)
Like an Irish coffee
but with blended Scotch whisky used instead of Irish whiskey.
RECIPE FOR GAELIC COFFEE:
Pour 35mls of a good Scotch blend (Chivas Regal, Antiquary, Black Label etc.) into a pre-warmed latté glass. Add a teaspoon of demerara sugar (or a dash of sirop de gomme), and stir.
In the meantime, drop a small amount of double cream in a cocktail shaker with loads of ice, and shake vigourously until the shaker is almost too cold to bear holding.
Add hot coffee to the whisky and sugar, about four-fifths to the top of the glass. Stir.
Very slowly drizzle the ice-cold cream over the back of a spoon onto the coffee. If done correctly, the cream should 'layer' over the coffee, so it looks like Guinness.
Now decorate the top with cocoa powder, chocolate sprinkles, coffee beans etc., and serve. Sláinte mhath!