International superstar in the 90's who had hit after hit throughout the deacade, including the top 40 tracks Better Place and Another Chance. Unfortunately his downfall came when he got involved with the wrong crowd. These guys got him downing pints in the Red Lion pub and smoking the occasional spliff. This new rebellious attitude had a knock on effect and he has since become an arrogant dirty druggie and alcoholic. Former friends such as Dai A. and Jamie have turned their backs on him in disgust and will no longer assossiate with such a failure. Jack (as he's known on the sex offenders list) now cries emo tears every night and has lost his ruggish good looks and good physique, he has since become unclean, unshaven, and now resembles an old lesbian school teacher who goes by the name of Des. Jack's skin has taken on a off greenish quality and he is now said to bear a striking resemblance to Shrek. His personal hygiene has suffered unquestionably and he now is said to have deadly B.O. He has two failed marriages up his sleeve and now lives alone in the flats just south of his native land, Heolgerrig (home of the hotties). He is currently available to do gigs anywhere at anytime. He's willing to perform classic tracks from his heyday for no money at all. His only accepted method of payment is steak bakes which he will gobble down in no time. It is asked that if you see this poor pathetic creature on the streets, in the gutter etc please take some pity on his large shapeless form and throw a bake at him. Just remember to steer clear of the rear end. Anyone who ignores this last piece of advice, rest in peace.
Linda: Um what was that fellas name, you know the one in the 90's with the funny hair who couldn't sing?
Tor: Umm, name one of his songs for me.
Linda: Better Place was one.
Tor: Ahh I know, funnily enough I seen him only yesterday in Greggs scoffing down a steak bake.
Linda: Well I attended his wedding yesterday - he's married some chick Desna.
A noise that is made as one mimes tapping the legend that is Swotley on the behind. The noise and action must be accompanied by enthusiastic skipping movements. Swotley must be totally oblivious of the act and one must be careful that the hand in question does not actually come into physical contact with his rear end as he is prone to pooping at inappropriate times, it could also be seen as a groping gesture which could lead to a short term prison sentence and or fine if sexual harrassment is proven.