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52 definitions by Jamie Douglas

 
15.
Blatently obvious. If a fat person tries to sneak round a corner they will be seen, as their belly will protrude first and give them away. Hence if something can be seen a mile off, or is really obvious, it can be 'seen coming like a fat man round the corner'
Phil: 'Hey, did you hear Janice was fired?'
Butch: 'Yeah, I saw that coming like a fat man round the corner!"
by Jamie Douglas August 26, 2006
33 10
 
16.
A nightclub frequented by women of low standard who are out to show off there wares in the hope of a sly grope or of making out. These women are normally over 40 or under 18, and most would be mistaken for hookers if they were seen in natural light.

A cattle market is the sort of place that male first year undergraduate students at university go all the time in an effort to get their end away, but this invariably results in the guilty boys leaving the venue with an itch.

The term derives because the women in these clubs are essentially showing themselves off in the hope of being taken home, just as cattle are shown off at cattle markets in the hope of being sold.
Bill: "Let's go down Icon and Diva!"
Pete: "We can't go there, it's a right cattle market!"

"Ooh, I was in Creation last night and pulled this slapper - now I have an itch! Serves me right for visiting such a cattle market!"

"Let's go down to Gatecrasher - I hear it's a real cattle market down there!"
by Jamie Douglas January 05, 2007
22 0
 
17.
Really really really sweaty. Imagine a chubby fellow dining out at his local pastry shop - he stands, salivating, over the counter wondering which fatty treat to shove down his gullet, and then indecision strikes and he sweats over what to order. That's how sweaty you are if you're sweating like a fat man in a cake shop.

Incidently, if you are a fat person and want a way to avoid such problems as choosing which cake, my advice is to simply buy everything. Problem solved
Kirsty: 'How was your squash game?'
Jim: 'Great, but now I'm sweating like a fat man in a cake shop.'
by Jamie Douglas August 26, 2006
33 12
 
18.
The sixth, seventh or first night of the week, depending on your religion.

Saturday night is the most important invention in human history. Saturday night is the reason most conflicts have been resolved and is responsible for some of mankinds most excellent discoveries.

Acceptable ways to spend Saturday night include going out to the cinema, drinking beer, watching the footy highlights with your mates, clubbing, eating kebab, beating the wife and/or kids, and spending a dirty night out. Unacceptable ways to spend a Saturday night include going to bed early and being ill.

Without Saturday night it is conceivable that the couple of protein strands that joined in the primodial goo to form Earths first ever life form would never have done so, and all life as we know it would not exist.

Several other good facts about Saturday night include that it's impossible to fail to pull a slapper, it's the only night apart from Wednesday that it's legal to dine in an Indian restaurant, it's my favourite night of the week and it follows Friday night.
"It's Saturday Night! Let's get ready to rumble!"

Jim: "What shall we do?"
Pete: "Well it is Saturday night. Lets drink beer, get a kebab and go home to beat the wife and kids."

"I'm so happy it's saturday night, it's my favourite night of the week."

George: "Hey Saddam, it's Saturday night. What do you say we forget all this silly sentenced to death nonsense and go to the cinema?"
Saddam: "Infidel."
by Jamie Douglas November 20, 2006
31 13
 
19.
Someone who is priggish, narrow-minded, disapproving or humourless.
Margret Thatcher, your old headmaster, traffic wardens, nightclub doormen and the Pope are all po faced
by Jamie Douglas December 04, 2006
32 15
 
20.
Means you're going: Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right ...

Another excellent golfing put down.
"Into the trees again boyo, I didn't realise we were playing military golf"
by Jamie Douglas September 08, 2006
14 2
 
21.
If someone is morbidly rotund, obese, or even a little overweight they can be described as being 'fat enough to bend light'. This derives from the fact that massive solar bodies like the sun have enough gravitational pull to alter the path of light rays, a process known as bending. Hence if you suggest someone is fat enough to bend light you are implying they have a weight equivalent to a large star, i.e. many millions of tonnes, and hence must be mocked as such.
"Golly gosh, that poor girl is fat enough to bend light!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Michelles husband is fat enough to bend light. Let's go give him a cake!"
by Jamie Douglas August 26, 2006
19 8