9 definitions by Flash the Squirrel

Top Definition
Maori word or name for non-Maori New Zealander, specifically a white person and particularly of English/British descent, but including other English-speaking white people such as those of Dutch or Yugoslav ethnic origin.

Sometimes now taken to mean any non-Maori New Zealander including those of ethnic Chinese and Indian origin, though not generally applied to Pacific Island peoples.

The origins of the word are unclear and the subject of much controversy. Generally translated as referring to a white or pale appearance, pakeha has been variously described as meaning white pig, white maggot, or even white ghost, which may be in reference to the pakepakeha, a pale-skinned forest-dwelling people of pre-European Maori mythology.

Today, some white New Zealanders embrace the term as a unique reference to themselves, some reject it as racist and derogatory, while others don't care either way.
In spite of appearance and skin colour, all Maori today have some degree of "pakeha" ancestry thanks to 150 years of intermarriage. This reality annoys racist Maori who wish the White Man would go away, but doesn't bother anyone else.

Maori boy (to white man): "Hey cuz, can I call you a pakeha bro?"

White man: "I don't care what you call me, old bean, just don't call me late for breakfast."

Maori boy: "I wish all you white honky fullas would just all go back to England, bro. I wish you never come here in the first place."

White man: "That would make things rather awkward for you, native chappie, since your grandfather was one of us."

Maori boy: "Yeah bro, that sucks eh. I hate myself."
by Flash the Squirrel August 12, 2010
The primary cause of snoring in men.

When a man lies on his back to sleep, his balls drop over his arsehole, blocking the main south vent and causing vapour lock. The resultant build-up of burps, farts, heavy exhalation fractions, digestive fumes, beer gas, and weed smoke, then has to be vented to atmosphere by alternative means, which requires his gut gremlins to re-route the gases being expelled back through the primary inhalation channel.

Fortunately this is possible because the exhaust gases, being warmer than the incoming air, rise to the upper half of the esophaegus, and the two vapour streams are able to pass each other going opposite directions in the same pipe.

The actual sound of snoring is comprised of millions of tiny gas molecule voices shouting at each other on the way past. The incoming ones are shouting "Oo, poo, you stink," or variations thereof, and the outgoing ones are calling back "fuck you Pinky, you don't know shit and you're gonna get fisted."

Snoring can be avoided completely by the judicious use of a suitable testicle rest which keeps the butthole uncovered and open. Naturally however this means that a man employing such a device tends to fart more in his sleep.

Women don't like us snoring, but they whinge and moan about the alternative as well. This is because they are essentially moaning bitches with penis envy and were born unhappy, but we still love them.
First woman: "My man is such a pig, whenever he lies on his back to sleep he snores like a walrus chewing a mouthful of wasps."

2nd woman: "He's got vapour lock, silly. I bet he has really big balls."

1st: (blushes) "well, yes, and he can fart like a Trojan too, but only when he's standing up."

2nd: "I wish I had a penis."

1st: "Me too."

(they both sigh)
by Flash the Squirrel March 25, 2013
Tribal name adopted by white New Zealanders who were born in New Zealand, and/or have been there for so many generations that they rightly define themselves as New Zealand Natives. The name is a play on Maori tribal nomenclature which uses “ngai” (from Maori’s original Chinese/Vietnamese roots) or “ngati” (possibly a transliterated derivation from old Phoenician) as a tribal prefix, as in Ngati Porou, Ngai Tahu, Ngati Fishnchips, etc. The name Ngati Pakeha incorporates the word ‘Pakeha’ which is a Maori name for white people.
Use of the name Ngati Pakeha serves as much as a political statement as it does a form of self-identification. It affirms to brown-skinned New Zealanders who have Maori heritage that white-skinned New Zealanders are native to New Zealand and that they are not going away.
Maori: “You white people don’t have any right to be here bro.”

White man: “I’m Ngati Pakeha, sunshine, and I’m as much a native as you.”
by Flash the Squirrel August 18, 2010
Largest of New Zealand's three main islands, known colloquially as "The Mainland". It lies between the North Island, a small overcrowded crime-ridden mishapen blob of muddy rock also called the "Pig Island", and Stewart Island, the nuggety wee island of hard-case good types (about the same size and shape as Tenerife) which hangs off the bottom of NZ.

The South Island is approximately 1000km long and 250km wide and has a population of just over 1 million.

The South Island is home to New Zealand's best scenery, skiing, mountains, lakes, rivers, hunting, fishing, 4WD tracks, empty highways, and all the other great things that make the men of a country truly manly.

It also has all New Zealand's best beer (Speight's, Monteiths, and Canterbury Draught), tastiest steak, and most gorgeous women.
Smoking hot millionairess foreign super model: "I see that even for a New Zealander, you're incredibly manly, hunky, and rugged, but also funny, and sensitive in the old-fashioned non-gay way."

Average South Island bloke: "Well yeah, I'm from the South Island."

Foreign etc: (swoons) "Take me to your island paradise and let me have your babies!"

SI guy (checks out her superb rack): "Well, maybe. Can you cook?"
by Flash the Squirrel February 21, 2011
Early inhabitants of New Zealand's South Island, predating Maori by some 1,200 years. Waitaha also had a presence in the North Island.

Waitaha comprised three different peoples: The Moriori, who at the time were giants, over 1.8m and superb gardeners, able to grow the kumara 1000km further south than in its South American homeland; the Urukehu, a fair-skinned people also known as the Starwalkers who were skilled at reading the geometry of the stars and were the navigators guiding the people to this land; and the Kiritea or Stone people, who came from Asian lands and who carried the greenstone over mountain passes.

Maori gave Waitaha the name "Tangata Whenua" or "People of the Land" before supplanting them and taking the name and title for themselves.
Waitaha are a non-Maori people who predated Maori occupation in New Zealand, particularly in the South Island.
by Flash the Squirrel August 24, 2010
When you turn on your windscreen washer and some of the water sprays over the roof of your car and splatters on the windscreen of the vehicle behind, causing them to have to do the same thing. In a line of traffic this can result in a major domino effect.

Extra funny when there is a motorbike or cyclist behind you and they get wet and just have to suck it up and take it.
I was backsplattering in traffic and I totally backsplattered this dude on a bike, it was tooooo funny.
by Flash the Squirrel March 24, 2011
Traditional food of New Zealand's Maori people, or at least traditional since the arrival of the white man, who brought yummy food like fish and chips with them, along with blankets, muskets, alcohol, syphilis, and Christianity. Since their introduction to Fish and Chips, Maori have not had to subsist on a diet of kumara, Moa, sea urchins, fern roots, and other people (though some still do by choice).
In recent times, with the increasing urbanisation of Maori, Fish and Chips has begun to be supplanted in the Maori diet by food types such as KFC, Burger King, and Lion Red Beer, which are more readily available in cities and towns.
Bush and forest-dwelling Maori retain a more traditional diet, consisting of seafoods, wild pork, puha, marijuana, and stray white people.
1st Maori: "Hey, let's go for Fish and Chips, bro."

2nd Maori: "Nah got no money bro. Let's go rob the Burger King instead."

1st Maori: "sweet, hoo hoo hoo."
by Flash the Squirrel August 18, 2010

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