An absolute shitehole of a place located somewhere between the villages of Arse-End and Of-Nowhere on Irelands lush central plain. The poorer cousin of its sister towns of Athlone and Mullingar, Longford is stuck in a time warp somewhere between the dark ages and 1989.
Activities on offer in Longford include:
-Living in a council house,
-Being a dole-scrounger,
-Having five kids when you're only sixteen,
-Wearing tracksuits if you're male and hoop earrings if you're female,
-Using the words "bure" and "sham" ad-nauseum,
-Being from Longford.
Places of interest in the town are:
-The dole office,
-erm...........the dole office....?
Characters of interest in the town include:
-Writer Oliver Goldsmith who lived near the town for a period some years ago,
-The entire staff of the dole office,
-That bure from Teffia Park who gave her sister a hidin' cos she caught her shiftin' this other one behind PVs last Saturday night and no one in her family's gonna be a fuckin' dyke.
If you would like to visit Longford, then I can only urge you to seek urgent psychiatric assessment.
Pavee 1: Sell many gates in Longford today?
Pavee 2: Ya must be fuckin' jokin'. I wouldn't go near that fuckin' shithole. Sure they'd fuckin' fleece the gates and kneecap ya in that kip.
Pavee 1: But...we live in Longford.
Pavee 2: Oh yeah....let's go and kneecap someone for the craic.
Pavee 1: Nah, I'm due down the dole office. Cunts are threatenin' to cut me benefits.
Pavee 2: Shower o' crawlin' bastards. Let's kneecap them.
Pavee 1: Fair enough.