mitch headberg

the funniest comedian I've ever heard. died reciently of a drug over dose. said things like "I ordered a club sandwich and I'm not even a member. you say u like your sandwich with three slices of bread? me too lets form a club. we need more speculations. instead of cutting the sandwich once, we will cut it twice. and we will put things in the middle of the sandwich like potato chips, or salad. how do u feel about frilly tooth picks? I'M FOR EM! I like sprouts on my salad. Well your not in the fucking club!

waiter: what kind of sandwich would you like sir?
Mitch: Pastrami
waiter: and what kind of bread would u like on your sandwich?
Mitch: banana bread.
waiter: and what kind of cheese?
Mitch: cottege cheese.
waiter: I'm not making no fucking banana bread cottege cheese pastrami sandwich!!

mitch headberg by I fuck dumb bitches April 27, 2005

mitch hedberg 

A man who brought great humor into the world until he died early 2005. It was a great loss. He has produced some excellent CDs, and I very much suggest that you go and buy them.
All the previous entries on this page are correct, unless someone dissed him.

(I would put a quote here, if i could be bothered. I can, and so I will.)

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice.'"

and

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

And who could forget...

"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

mitch hedberg by Twalger April 29, 2005

mitch hedberg 

He died...the funniest man ever died... R.I.P

we'll never froget you mitch.

mitch hedberg by ... April 1, 2005

Mitch Hedberg 

Seeing Mitch perform live (about a year before he died) was the best moment of my life. All of you are right: He's the funniest person that ever lived, and the world is much less funny without him.

Mitch Hedberg -isms:

"Escalators are good, cuz they can never break. They just become stairs."

"I find that a duck's opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was so unnecessary."

"I wish there was such a thing as cinnamon roll incense, because I would light some up in the morning and give my roommate false hope."

Mitch Hedberg by Her Royal Hard A** October 26, 2006

Mitch Hedberg 

The best comedian who ever lived. He sadly died at a young age due to a continuous heart problem. Give respect people, and quote whenever necessary.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up!

Mitch Hedberg by Smitty Joe May 29, 2005

Mitch Hedberg 

Funniest guy alive.

- Dogs are forever in the push up position.
- I cant wear turtlenecks, it's like being strangeld by a really weak guy, all fucking day. When I wear a turtleneck and a backpack, i think a weak midget is trying to take me down.

Mitch Hedberg by Chris, bitch April 24, 2004

mitch hedberg 

This guy is funny as shit. He must be stoned 24-7 to come up with the things he does. Buy his CD.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of dropping Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

mitch hedberg by dolphin March 8, 2005