Basement Bum

A middle aged vagabond who hides in your basement in order to stay out of bad weather. They sit in the dark corners of your cellar until you go down there to get laundry done or bring out the holiday ornaments. Once you do, they attack you with a rusty screwdriver that is infested with diseases.

All basement bums are male. There is no such thing as a female basement bum. If you think you see a female basement bum, it's probably a hooker or a crackhead.

If you believe you may have a basement bum, do not call 911. The emergency operators will simply laugh at you. Instead, call 1-800-BUM-HELP and pray to god that it's not too late...

Guy 1: Hello?!

Guy 2: Hey. What's up?

Guy 1: Dude, come over quick! I think I may have a basement bum in my cellar!

Guy 2: Yeah fucking right, man. I'm not going to mess with that crazy fucker!

Guy 1: Please, I thought we were friends! Just come over real quick and bring your gun.

Guy 2: Ahahahahahaha! Bullets can't hurt a basement bum. You're fucking dead, man!

Guy 1: What should I do?!

Guy 2: Hang up and call 1-800-BUM-HELP quick!

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: Just do it!! ...Godspeed!

Guy 1: Okay I'll call you ba--AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! HEEEEEEELP!! ...WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SCREWDRIVER?!? OH SWEET JESUS!!!!! AHHHHHH!!

*Dial Tone*

Guy 2: Holy shit...

by RVB123 April 20, 2010