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1) Billy Crystal
2) A homeless man who once worked as a photographer for Berkeley Preparatory School (Berkeley Prep) but was fired in 1992 in order for Bryan Manicchia to gain monopoly on Berkeley Photos, and then do an even worse job. He changed his name to Billy Crystal in order to attract attention to himself and enhance his modeling career, but with no luck. Desperate, he wrote the song "Papi Papi, Papi Chulo" but forgot to copywrite it, so the "artist", Lorna, stole it from him and took credit.
He then tried modeling again, and changed his name to Balacrastimoniustitudarimoustinactinumdalitider spinsticruspinjaroooscipoooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooothorp, but failed, once again, as a model. Down on life, he returned to Berkeley Preparatory School and lives in the underground tunnels of the Lykes Center. When travelling around campus, he feigns a Sage cook by wearing their green uniform, white apron, and a chefs hat. He creates chaos and havok by tampering with Berkeley's air conditioning, computer network, weather machine, and he sometimes poisons the sage food (but Berkeley covers this up easily because it is usually only pre-kindergarteners who die).
One can identify this man by the chef's hat (which Sage cooks do not typically wear around) or the sinister look of despair in his eyes. (note: Mr. Taylor does not wear a chef's hat).

See also Randy Newton, who is entirely unrelated but just as sinister.
"Well, another lower pre-k'er died today."
"Yeah. What is that, 12 now?"
"13 in five years."
"I thought sage only came about two years ago."
"He dressed as a Chinese teacher named Mr. Chai back then."
"Oh, that sly fox!"
"Yep, Balacrastimoniustitudarimoustinactinumdalitider spinsticruspinjaroooscipoooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooothorp really is a sneaky son of a gun."
by Mike Jobbs May 09, 2005
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