A rare sub-human species that abuses pharmaceutical medication to get
high. They are a rare sight, although habitat preservation has brought their numbers back up in recent years. They are indigenous to the South, although with their rising numbers they have been identified in new habitats, such as the cities and jail. These "domestic pillheads" have been acclimated to new surroundings, and are not representative of the original pillhead. For the original sub-species, six major characteristics can be used to identify the indiginous wild pillhead.
1)
Blue boogers hanging out of nose - after snorting up their Oxy 80, they are left with residue hanging out of their nose. These
blue boogers are also known as "
smurf boogers" in certain areas and are generally more common around the first of the month.
2) No Shirt - The pill
head will NEVER wear a shirt, not even in the dead of winter. It has not yet been observed whether this is because they don't own any shirts, pawned their shirts for pills, or are just too fucked up to care about covering their hair & crappy-self-applied-tattooed covered body.
3) Really Bad Teeth - A pillheads teeth genetically grow in scraggly & crooked, and a vast majority of them will fall out before the age of 30. These are not you're typical bad teeth, but rather teeth so
bad that a pillhead could go to a swinging sex
party in 1969
London and all of the
crazy Austin Power Lookalikes would go "
Wow, you have REALLY bad teeth."
4)Keep same sleeping habits as a vampire - A pillhead will generally rise at the tender hour of five or six o'clock PM, mainly because they were up all night walking around
like zombies trying to score their next pill. They tend to go to sleep
5) Zombie Walk - After the hour of 2:00 am the pillhead will walk in much the same way as a zombie. They will stumble around with their eyes practically closed looking half dead and make random groaning and grunting noises as they try so
hard to function. Unfortunately their only function in life is to get another pill, so they're generally not particularly effective at attaining their lofty life goals after the hours of 2:00 am. Which brings me to my final sign of a pillhead...
6) No Job - Besides painting 2/3 of a house, cutting the occasional lawn and trading food stamps for pills, the pillhead has no "official job". Their annual income is continually zero and they continue to spawn children to
help gain more social welfare program benefits. (More kids = more money) It is hypothesized that the reason why the pillhead has no job is directly related to the pillhead not ever wearing a shirt.
Short of being an adult male dancer in San Fransisco, the pillhead has very little potential for real
work and will generally do half of the job, get half of the money, and go snort up some pills for a week or so.
Girl: Man, you're neighbors sure are
weird! What's wrong with them, and why is nobody wearing a shirt?
Guy: Oh, they're all pillheads, just ignore them and they'll go away. They only come out at
night and will be unable to properly function or process cognitive thought in a couple hours.
