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On a scale of one to my penis?

A question you ask when you want to know how hard it is raining/ snowing, ect.
Billy : Hey Carol, is it raining?
Carol: Why yes Billy it is.
Billy: Oh really? How hard on a scale of one to my penis?

tasting urine on the tip of one's tongue 

The condition in which one needs to urinate so badly that any further delay will cause bladder rupture.
I think tasting urine on the tip of one's tongue is a sure sign one is in trouble.

I held it for as long as I could, but when I tasted urine on the tip of my tongue, then I knew I was in trouble. I had to pull over and go in the ditch.

INSTRUCTIONS - while water is boiling smash the fuck out of your bag of shrimp TOP RAMEN but be careful to not just throw bag on the ground like you would normally do because remember this one is missing your bag of seasoning. Dont want to fuck up your 

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA BLUE TEXT OMG OMG OMG BLUE TEXT IM SO FUNNY LOL HAHA BLUE TEXT
INSTRUCTIONS - while water is boiling smash the fuck out of your bag of shrimp TOP RAMEN but be careful to not just throw bag on the ground like you would normally do because remember this one is missing your bag of seasoning. Dont want to fuck up your spread by throwing your noodles all over your cell. Then add blue text

Like sticking one way signs on both ends of the road 

Completely fuckin pointless
"Why did you hoover the floor and then sweep it? "

"That's like sticking one way signs on both ends of the road"

.9.mMmake it your one and only aim this year to start each day with a smile on your face and to finish each day the same way. Recognize that no matter what other people might say or do you alone are in charge of your fate.9.

.9.MmMake it your one and only aim this year to start each day with a smile on your face and to finish each day the same way. Recognize that no matter what other people might say or do you alone are in charge of your fate.9.
.9.MmMake it your one and only aim this year to start each day with a smile on your face and to finish each day the same way. Recognize that no matter what other people might say or do you alone are in charge of your fate.9.

one day I poked my brother in the eye with an apple pencil. she cried and cried. it was pretty warm so I didnt need a blanket on the hot day of winter 

Confliction. Also, you’re not automatically funny by putting this into Urban Dictionary
Guy1: one day I poked my brother in the eye with an apple pencil. she cried and cried. it was pretty warm so I didnt need a blanket on the hot day of winter
Guy2: You’re an idiot.