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1 definition by sarcastichumor

 
1.
In toms River, well, lets face it...people are pretty much bored to tears. We can get to Great Adventure in abouot a half hour, and the beach/ Seaside in about 10 minutes, but these things pretty much close down during the winter. So, we're left with Applebees, Cool Beans, and Wawa to occupy our time. There are 12 elementary school, 3 intermediate schools, and 3 high schools, but the funding we receive for our education is really that of a 3-school district. HS North is where all of the rich kids go, so they get the Ritacco/ Poland Springs Center (originally named after our not-yet-deceased school board supervisor), which attracts lots of famous celebrities...like Bill Cosby. HS East and Souths' ceilings, on the other hand, are practically falling in. The nicknames of these three high schools are Heroin High (North), Suicide Central (South), and Pregnancy Point (East). Surprisingly enough, this is a failing school system. To all of the towns 90,000 residents, I want to let you know, you are wasting your childrens' opportunities. Congratulations. Toms River is also host to a few famous things. Our tap water causes cancer, our little league team won the World Series back in God knows when, and people tend to get murdered semi-frequently. A jewel amongst American suburbs, Toms River will shine on.
See your travel agent about vacationing in Toms River, NJ.
by sarcastichumor February 28, 2006