take the top layer of skin off with a knife and pour bleach on it
works for: poison ivy, chiggers, burns, cuts, scrapes, sunburn, chemical burns, AIDS, cancer, etc..
"DUDE! I had some wicked poison ivy, but i used Rash's Patented Quick Fix For Everything and got rid of it ASAP"
-"I think that chick last night might've had something. My crotch itches like hell."
+"You should try Rash's Patented Quick Fix For Everything"