frank klaune's definitions

beer factor

A simple attempt to measure and quantify the amount of alcohol needed in order for you (or your friend) to willingly copulate with any given female. A fun game to play in a pub, the standard of measurement is one draw (draft) of an average strength American beer. While a reasonably attractive female may rate a 5-6 beer factor, a more homely specimen may require a 12 or 15 beer factor. On the other hand, a very attractive female may not warrant the need for any beer at all, resulting in the prized "ZBF" or "Zero Beer Factor".

Frank was scoping over some fat broad playing pool in the back room. She looked like a dyke to me. She was so fugly that she was probably a 24 beer factor.

by Frank Klaune January 23, 2005

barney

A small-town, provincial putz of a policeman. The name represents "Barney Fife", the bumbling, inept deputy sherfiff from the "Andy Griffith Show." The typical small-town Barney is a doughnut-chomping fat bastard whose only purpose is to write as many speeding tickets and seat belt "safety" violations to out-of-town licence plated cars as humanly possible. This daily pattern continues until the barney has padded his resume sufficiently to move on to a real job far from the provincial putzville which was his first job for a couple of years. The outrageous pattern of excessive ticket-writing also works in the favor of the inbred, corrupt, fuck-headed town officials who reap an obscene profit from the fine largesse. This, in turn, self justifies the continuance of the salary for the Barney. This pattern is particularly effective in towns which are so ridiculously quiet and small that an actual "law enforcement officer" has no substantive reason to be on the public payroll. The next time you are pulled over in some backward Hooterville for driving 4 MPH over the posted limit, remember where your fine money is going.

Damn, Frank was only going 27 in the 25 zone but the Barney pulled him over anyway!

by Frank Klaune April 25, 2005

mazupas

My favorite term for the female breasts, also known as chesticles, boobies, cans, jugs, headlights, titties and rack.

"Damn, check out the mazupas on our waitress tonight!"

by Frank Klaune March 15, 2004

glued

Yet another term designating a high level of inebriation (drunkenness).

"Damn, after drinking that fifth with Grotee, Frank was really glued!"

by Frank Klaune March 15, 2004

Blatz splatz

This phrase, related in part to the "blat" (see "blat"), describes the logical aftermath of drinking too much Blatz beer. If one drinks far too much Blatz, the next morning's activities are dominated by the "Blatz splatz" in which bodily fluids are emitted from various orifices in a semi-involuntary spasm. This term is obviously only used in those areas of the country where "Blatz" beer is found. For additional information see "hershey squirts" and "the shits".

Man, Frank brought a few cases of Blatz to the stag party. Damn, the next day let me tell you, I had the Blatz splatz big time!

by Frank Klaune November 21, 2004

spray paint

The forceful, sometimes violent expulsion of liquid shit into the toilet at high velocity. The "spray paint" term relates to the viewing of the underside of the toilet seat and the general condition of the toilet bowl which is usually well sprayed with dumpage.

"Man, I had such a gut cramp, I ran to the bathroom and let go with spray paint. Damn, it's a good thing we're at Frank's house. I wouldn't want to clean that up at my house."

by Frank Klaune March 6, 2004

ahs-wee-pay

Less commonly as of late, it is the phonetic, literal pronounciation of "asswipe" (said usually with a fake foreign accent). The term is used as a direct replacement for "asswipe" just with the foreign-sounding pronounciation for any of a number of stupid reasons.

"Hey ahs-wee-payyyy... wot's up mon?"

by Frank Klaune March 6, 2004