Michelle to her co-worker: "I'd like to invite you to church this Sunday."

Betty: "Thank You, what church do you go to?"

Michelle: "It's the Church of Latter-Day Saints."

Betty: "Oh, I used to go to the Church of Saturday Saints and Sunday sinners! We had bingo, spaghetti suppers with a beer garden, wine with Communion. You go to church Saturday night, look all churchy, then the next day go back to being you! Come next Saturday, get reset to zero again."

Michelle: "Oh, never mind then..."

I'll be right back, I've got to run down to the Haji Mart and get some chips and soda and fill up the car.

Customer: "The Check-Engine Light and Service Engine Soon Light both came on. I smelled a burning smell, like something electrical. Then there was this grinding noise on the right side."

Mechanic: "I drove it around for 30 minutes and I didn't hear or smell anything. If you notice anything, bring it back and we'll deduct the price of today's service from the repair."

Customer: "I think my car's suffering from Vehicular Hypochondria! I swear it sounded like it was going to die! Now it's perfect. Go figure!"

I need to go home to use the restroom, that ladies' room at the Wal-Mart was functified. It should be condemned by the board of health.

Hey, guys, you're choking me to death spray that Shower In A Can! Why don't y'all just wash your funky butts?! You're not fooling anybody. You still stink, only now you smell like butt crack and flowers!

She's a tramp, a schkeevatz; low class.

Me: "Let's go to the store and get a Chinese apple to eat."

Friend: "Don't you mean a 'pomegranate'?"

Me: "Well, we called them Chinese apples when I was little."