Monkey's Dad's definitions

Sexclamation point !!!

A gender-revealing punctuation mark! Used frequently, often in multiples and almost exclusively by females!!! (Men, in contrast, end a sentence with a single piece of punctuation, usually a period or question mark.)

The female attraction to this piece of punctuation is probably entirely unconscious. The mark - ! - is a clear pictogram of a woman's 'private parts', a vertical orifice above a circular one.

Using it to end almost any string of words is a statement of the sender's sexuality, conveying a subliminal ; "Look what I possess!!!"!!!!!

The detective suspected that the note - "Back soon! I'm shopping for fancy soap and scented candles!" - with its mystifying sexclamation point !!!, could possibly have been written by a woman.

by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019

Schmogul

A highly successful, powerful person who has somehow remained a jerk.

Check out the schmogul at the corner table. Yes, that's really him, and yes, he's eating sushi with a fork.

by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019

Ianaj

The murmured protestation of a woman being served an artfully prepared late-morning breakfast, in bed, with a monogrammed sterling spoon, under a velvet blanket, by a man whose one goal in life is her pleasure and comfort, meant to convey the disclaimer: "I am not a Jap".

Ianaj - obviously you have never known a real one - please bring me my glasses... turn the fan slightly toward the window... my phone... and what time is it?

by Monkey's Dad September 3, 2019

rantlers

Multi-pronged offensive weapons projecting from the cranium of a male who has something to say, and say again, and then expound upon, at length and in detail, with increasing volume, until his adversaries, and even those who might under gentler circumstances have agreed with him, are driven toward quieter pastures.

He came out of the theater sharpening his rantlers, so aggrieved by the multitude of sins - factual, artistic, moral, narrative, historic, cultural, - committed by the new Tarantino film - the sheer misdirection, when there had been so much to be made from the basic elements of the story, the irredeemable irrelevance of every central character and most of the secondary characters, wasted plots twists galore, to no advantage, gratuitously altered realities, that interminable shot in the second act which had no place in the mise-en-scene...

by Monkey's Dad September 8, 2019

The Rifle Tower

America's answer to France's Eiffel Tower, our national phallus. Unlike the Eiffel, this monument to cultural pride is fluid in its location, arising in Newtown, El Paso, Parkland, Orlando, Las Vegas and who-knows-where next, making it easy for foreign tourists to get a taste of our country's zest for a liberty that shall not be infringed.

Jacques, he send me une Carte Postale from Etats Unis, photo only of guy in a cap rouge, Making America Great, holding straight up, his erection shape like AR-15, The Rifle Tower. From cold dead fingers we will take it? Non merci. Mon Dieu.

by Monkey's Dad September 9, 2019

Remembership Drive

The futile urge to recall the "toll-free" number - is there another kind anymore? - which the announcers manning the membership drive on Public Radio have repeated several dozen times in the past few seconds and which, as a result, refuses to be recalled.

Let's see... 888... something something... why do I have such low remembership drive for that number, even though it is toll-free?

by Monkey's Dad September 11, 2019

Girlie Bird

A self-consciously hyper-feminized young woman

"The Girlie Bird catches the worm" muttered Tiff to herself, as she put the final touches on her makeup, earrings, hair, stilettos, cleavage and hemline, before heading to the bar.

by Monkey's Dad November 30, 2019