Monkey's Dad's definitions

appandectomy

The surgical removal of all traces and knowledge of a pandemic, allowing the patient to move freely about, without mask, without distancing, without concern for the safety of others.

That guy walking right up to you, coughing and passing you by an inch? He's had an appandectomy, with nothing left for him to worry about, except the tilt of his 'make America great again' hat.

by Monkey's Dad July 29, 2020

woemanizer

A man who tries to overcome his sorrow and grief with an unending string of women.

Everyone judged him for the number of women who came into and out of his life. It felt to be the only way he could banish his unremitting woe, from losses and pain he could never share. He was a woemanizer, and he alone understood why.

by Monkey's Dad October 3, 2021

Permababy

A creature, human or otherwise, who retains the characteristics of an infant, no matter how long they have lived.

Yes, we know she looks like a puppy, but she's thirteen - a Permababy.

by Monkey's Dad December 23, 2019

isopropyl alcoholism

Addiction to hand sanitizing, a common pandemic disorder.

He sanitized his hands after touching any item, even if it had been sitting undisturbed on his desk for years. 'You can never be too careful', he said aloud, every few minutes, in denial of his isopropyl alcoholism.

by Monkey's Dad April 25, 2020

conspiracy theory

Literally - the idea of people breathing together.

Con=together. Spire=breathe.

She didn't want a respirator, didn't want to expire. Her inspiration was that once the pandemic passed she might breathe with other people, her conspiracy theory, and it filled her with hope.

by Monkey's Dad April 27, 2020

Narcissistic personality order

Because the narcissist has no disorder.

"As you insisted, I went to the therapist. She told me I have narcissistic personality order, which she said very few individuals have. I described our relationship and she wants to see you three times a week."

by Monkey's Dad March 6, 2020

logocide

To kill a word, by misuse, overuse, or, like, just, like, whatever.

I always liked the word 'like'. It indicated positive feelings about someone or something, signified similarity. But when the formerly articulate Jon Stewart, in the first episode of his new show, said "And I'm like, what?" in a stream of verbiage strewn with meaningless 'likes', it was a sign that 'like' had suffered the final act of logocide, as if the dying word, zombified, had finally infected every last logocidal person, regardless of age, education, you know, and I'm like, damn.

by Monkey's Dad October 6, 2021