How to survive in swansea, An experienced womans guide to surviving the city!
If your a lady, to blend in with the rest, the first step is to smother your face in cheap dark brown / orange foundation (think david dickinson), only to your jaw line leaving your neck completely pale and white from having no sun all year round. The next step is to go to the local sunbed parlour, (can be found by driving on any road whithin the city for a period of 40 seconds) spend all your weekly dole money in the machine, hopefully getting you an average (swansea) session of 7 hours a day, leaving you feeling crisp and confident! The next step in life is getting pregnant, There are a few rules that you must stick to... 1) Make sure you dont know who the father is, this is usually done by sleeping with whole of the bon-y-maen rugby team in 1 night. 2) Make sure you claim maintenence for the child from every player (Making sure the sunbed sessions are paid for). 3) Make sure Family Housing get you a house close or idealy in the same street as you mother, therefore guarenteing a babysiter at all times. If your mother has already died of an overdose, you will be needing to get friendly with the neighbours (Mandy & Dai).
Stick to those few rules and you sould be able to continue life as normal, burning your face and frying your hair until the age of 40, As soon as this time comes you are now ready to relive your missed youth by drinking WKD's in lava-lounge with the rest of your same aged, same faced, loud screaming, slightly overweight single parent friends who all think its ok to wear the same thing as their 25 year old daughters. Driving/Car tips: Do not under any circumstances consider driving onto the motorway, because A) it goes out of swansea. B) you probably dont have enough petrol in the car to come off at the neath exit. , Make sure you check the following before setting off for the session in the morning: All Playboy stickers / seat covers are present and correct, all 4 wheels have pink wheel trims fitted securely, Also make sure the handbreak is off, Its an all too common sight whithin the city to see girls unknowingly driving down the road with only the front 2 wheels in motion. the final and most important car tip is to always make sure the interior mirror faces.. YOU, not the car behind.
"He fuckin left me the bastard, i dont care a fuck i dont need no man in my life, thank you very much, Get out of my life and shut the door behind you! fuckin bastard... Oh, he was a bastard to me he was. " "Let me tell you something for nothing now sunshine" "Fuck off round your own place, you not from swansea you bastard" "OOOOF IF she did!"