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8 definitions by Jaq LeMur

 
1.
noun: The person usually relied upon to achieve what amounts to a miracle when given impossible circumstances. This person is often found in a workplace, is underpaid and overworked, and usually ends up going postal. Also referred to as a 'discount miracle worker'.
Boss: "Jimmy, I need you to compile the last 3 years of P&L statements for the board meeting in 30 minutes."
Jimmy: "Right! What do I look like, some Snake Oil Jesus?"
Boss: "I knew I could count on you to come through. See you in 30!"
Jimmy: *sigh*
by Jaq LeMur November 16, 2008
 
2.
While not being out and out retarded, the omnitard has a way of making everything (s)he does seem retarded.
Man, Joe is such an omnitard. Every time he comes over, he licks the walls, but only the red ones.
by Jaq LeMur October 09, 2008
 
3.
exclamation of surprise or despair.
"Zyrp! You scared the hell outta me by jumping out of my sock drawer!"

OR

"When this bomb goes off, we're all dead."
"Zyrp!"
by Jaq LeMur November 16, 2008
 
4.
(n) also known as sperm, but usually that spent as a result of masturbation.
He plays with himself until his evolution juice is all over his jeans.
by Jaq LeMur October 23, 2008
 
5.
(n)An idiot of special recognition. Sometimes spelled jaqlemur.
Did you see that jacklemur? He was trying to fornicate with that tree!

or

Dude, did you just stick your face in the deep fryer? You are such a jacklemur!
by Jaq LeMur October 23, 2008
 
6.
(n) A person in your life who claim to be friends, but they only contact you when they need a favor, at which point they leverage the "friendship".
John: So, Dave called me the other day. Said he needed my help moving...again.
Amy: Yeah? Are you going to?
John: Naw, he never does anything for me, he's such a fakequaintance.
by Jaq LeMur February 10, 2013
 
7.
(n) term used to describe the antiquated and outdated belief system of any faith that has failed to account for societal change and human evolution.
Hank: So where does "writing malware" fall under the Ten Commandments?
Jebidiah: Well, um, err...
Hank: Yeah, I don't think your coal burning faith has an understanding of how society works these days. Perhaps you can pray to McAfee or Norton to save you from virtual damnation...
by Jaq Lemur February 03, 2010