I haven't read the Bible, but here's what I've deduced about Jesus
from watching Fox News:
is a die-hard Republican. He spends
a lot of his time reading books
by Ann Coulter and appearing at fundraisers for groups like
Focus on the Family.
was among the earliest proponents for the invasion of Iraq, and even today He sees the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians as a necessary price to pay for installing a western-style democracy in Iraq.
is an outspoken
proponent of supply-side economics, which favor tax cuts to the wealthy. He's also a huge fan of Ronald Reagan.
4.) Jesus thinks
that poor people are poor because they
is appalled by same-sex marriage. He thinks
people who hate each
other have more of a right to be married than two gay people who love each
other. Jesus strongly
feels that a person's sexuality is a matter of choice.
does not believe that global warming is caused by humans. He also thinks
that intelligent design should
be taught in science classes.
7.) Jesus supports capital
punishment, and that's why He desperately wanted George W. Bush
to be president, and He couldn't be more pleased with how the Bush Administration turned
never misses the O'Reilly factor. And He absolutely hates the Colbert
is radically opposed to a provision of health care
to all citizens. He thinks
it would lead to a welfare state.
10. And finally, Jesus
is really upset that Barack
Obama won the 2008 election. He has decided that a second coming
will be necessary, and He will rapture people into the heavens on the basis of their
party affiliations and campaign contributions.