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3 definitions by Jack Torrance-Overlook Hotel

 
1.
God
An entity whose opinions on the consumption of pork has been a matter of hot debate amongst the world's religions.
Jew: "YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork."

Christian: "No He doesn't! Jesus and Paul took that law back a little while later."

Muslim: "Yes, He does forbid it, the Jew is right for once! Allah made this very clear 600 years after Jesus and Paul were alive!"

Pagan:"No, the gods do not forbid eating pork. In fact, we have to throw the bones of our slaughtered livestock into the communal bonfire to scare the demons away!"

Hindu:"Not true, the Dharmic law forbids eating any meat, including pork. Eating pork will only anger the gods."

Atheist:"I can't believe we're actually talking about stuff like this..."
by Jack Torrance-Overlook Hotel January 10, 2009
 
2.
A vast, sprawling palace filled with priceless artwork by Michelangelo and huge stores of golden treasures from around the world. It is used mainly as a residence for people who teach the value of living without regard for earthly possessions.
How nice it is to hear the pope talk about the dangers of materialism before retiring to his chamber in the vatican!
by Jack Torrance-Overlook Hotel January 10, 2009
 
3.
I haven't read the Bible, but here's what I've deduced about Jesus from watching Fox News:

1.) Jesus is a die-hard Republican. He spends a lot of his time reading books by Ann Coulter and appearing at fundraisers for groups like Focus on the Family.

2.) Jesus was among the earliest proponents for the invasion of Iraq, and even today He sees the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians as a necessary price to pay for installing a western-style democracy in Iraq.

3.) Jesus is an outspoken proponent of supply-side economics, which favor tax cuts to the wealthy. He's also a huge fan of Ronald Reagan.

4.) Jesus thinks that poor people are poor because they are lazy.

5.) Jesus is appalled by same-sex marriage. He thinks that straight people who hate each other have more of a right to be married than two gay people who love each other. Jesus strongly feels that a person's sexuality is a matter of choice.

6.) Jesus does not believe that global warming is caused by humans. He also thinks that intelligent design should be taught in science classes.

7.) Jesus supports capital punishment, and that's why He desperately wanted George W. Bush to be president, and He couldn't be more pleased with how the Bush Administration turned out.

8.) Jesus never misses the O'Reilly factor. And He absolutely hates the Colbert Report.

9). Jesus is radically opposed to a provision of health care to all citizens. He thinks it would lead to a welfare state.

10. And finally, Jesus is really upset that Barack Obama won the 2008 election. He has decided that a second coming will be necessary, and He will rapture people into the heavens on the basis of their party affiliations and campaign contributions.
Fox News is fair and balanced, even when it comes to Jesus!
by Jack Torrance-Overlook Hotel January 10, 2009