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6 definitions by Grackle

 
1.
An obsession with the lives of others, combined with an extreme inferiority complex, resulting in a mental disorder that requires the sufferer (the Oneupman) to constantly feel the need to prove his or her self to anyone who will pay attention.

The boasts and claims of the Oneupman are actually a cry for help from an unconfident person who believes they are great simply for completing ordinary tasks faster than anyone else, possessing a higher number of certain items than anyone else, or for doing anything a higher number of times than anyone else. Sadly, the Oneupman is still stuck at the 'my dad is stronger than yours' stage of mental development.

The Oneupman never chooses a specialized activity to compete with, since they have very little special knowledge and simple 'accomplishments' appeal to them most, such as driving faster than you, eating more than you, and guessing how a movie ends before it ends. It should be noted that being the best is not the focus, the Oneupman is only interested in being better than YOU. They need others to compete with and prove themselves against, since they can't feel good unless someone feels bad.

Tellingly, the Oneupman will only compete with people they know, since competing with strangers whose skills they aren't familiar with may expose their weakness, which is the greatest fear of the Oneupman.
"Ok, in order to survive, we must both take one of these pills, and no more than one!"

"Oh yeah?? Well, I can take TWO, that's one more than you!"

"If you take two, you'll die, you idiot! This is not the time to practice Oneupmanship!"

"Oh, so you think I'm just average like you?? No way, I'm _______ (insert name here), I once _______ (insert exaggerated, unprovable claim here), I can handle two pills, ok?? Gimme those!!!"

Oneupman takes two pills and dies.
by Grackle June 05, 2009
 
2.
Radical and extreme form of hero worship, in which a person believes the particular hero they worship is capable of doing absolutely anything better than absolutely anyone else.

This illness, mostly common in young males, is very dangerous in that it causes its victims to completely lose touch with reality and replaces normal behavior with non-stop, masturbatory praise for the hero. This inevitably leads to a crush on the hero, similar to a 10 year-old girl's crush on the latest boy band.

The name of this illness is derived from overzealous fans of NBA player Kobe Bryant, who believe that because he can throw a ball into a hoop well, this single skill would somehow make him a better golfer than Tiger Woods, a better actor than Jack Nicholson, a better artist than Salvador Dali and a better President than Barack Obama.
Kobe Syndrome victim: Oohhhhh man, look at the way Kobe shoots the ball... Ohhh man, he's just soooo good... oooohh, ahhhh, mmmmmm, I need another poster of him for my wall... he would be sooo much better than Obama as President....

Healthy person: Man, put your dick back in your pants, all he did was put a ball through a hoop, it takes more than that to run the United States of America!
by Grackle May 12, 2009
 
3.
1. Person who believes that force, threats and guilt are adequate forms coercion that should be used to keep an employee from leaving your organization.

2. Person who believes that if you are from the same city as them, they own you and know what's best for you and your family, even if they've never met you and have no idea what you want in life.

3. Person who believes that if the terms of a contract have been fulfilled, the contract somehow still exists and you are still required to follow the terms of the contract.

4. Person who cannot get over the fact that someone who has absolutely nothing to do with their life wants to make decisions about his own life without consulting them first.

Overall, the Cleveland crybaby is a self-absorbed, pretentious, sanctimonious fool who focuses on the actions of media celebrities, expecting them to bring joy into their boring, pointless existence. This type of person has no life, watches too much TV and has little interest in living their own life. Since they hate their own life so much, they project this anger and frustration onto others, who can never live up to their expectations.
Cavs fan: "Wah wah wah, Lebron James owes Cleveland his life!!"

Mature adult: "Why?? Didn't he finish his contract? Wasn't he an unrestricted free agent? Didn't he take the Cavs to the Final and make them the #1 team two years in a row? What more do you want from him? Isn't he free to do what he wants now? Why do you think you own him and can dictate his actions? Don't you have anything else to do with your time? You're a Cleveland crybaby!"
by Grackle October 21, 2010
 
4.
Default phrase used by jealous, bitter and prejudiced people who try to self-righteously point to some humanitarian reason for not liking a person or event rather than expose their own baseless, misdirected and personal grudges.

The user will desperately search for ANY possible reason to criticize an event or another person, but after realizing that their criticisms are unjustified and irrelevant, this fall-back phrase is utilized; The user knows that this phrase is not only impossible to disagree with, but it also cleverly blames the person or event in question for the fact that people are starving.

It should be noted that the user of this phrase will do everything to maintain the illusion that they are a righteous person for thinking about starving people, yet the user himself has done absolutely NOTHING to help these people, and never will.
"Hey, did you see Obama play basketball the other day?"
"No, people are starving and all he wants to do is play basketball..."

"Did you see the Miss Universe Pageant last night??"
"I don't watch that crap, because people are starving...."

"Hey, wanna come with me to the mall?"
"Uhh, I don't go to the mall, people are starving..."
by Grackle November 24, 2009
 
5.
Yet another dumb and overcompensating thing white males say to teach other to show how macho, tough and heterosexual they are.

The person using this term ignores the fact that tan lines often look ridiculous and embarrassing for women who have them, because his purpose is to show how manly he is.

For these types of people, tan lines = woman sunbathing = swimsuit = sex. Therefore, an ostentatious display of heterosexuality must occur, in which love of tan lines is boasted about as loud as possible. This is in keeping with this type of male's equating ANYTHING female with wanting to 'fuck' said thing.

This technique ensures that no one questions this type of male's manliness, although he is often hiding an inferiority complex or his homosexuality.
White male: "Fuckin' right, I LOVE tan lines!!"

Passerby: "Why? They kind of look ridiculous and embarrassing...?"

White male: "Tan lines!!! Fuck yeah!! I get laid A LOT!!!"

Passerby: "But you didn't answer my question...?"

White male: "Yeah!!! Tan lines!!! FUCK!!! Pass me another beer!!!"
by Grackle August 05, 2009
 
6.
Yet another stupid thing that white males say to each other to somehow bond or show how macho they think they are. This word can easily be replaced with 'beer', 'beef' or 'football' for the same effect.
White Male #1: Hey man, TWINS!!!
White Male #2: Fuckin' A!!! TWINS!!!
White Male #3: I know man, TWINS!!!

(White Males #1-3 have now bonded and can start drinking together)
by Grackle June 17, 2009