Doghouse Riley's definitions
From observation, recognising that the general standard of television in my opinion has deteriorated and continues to do so year by year, so much so I now watch very little, I’ve found as far as the programme quality and content on all television channels, the following Doghouse's Laws of Television often apply.
I started compiling this list several years ago and some of these "laws" are now occasionally mentioned by contributors to a specific TV network message board, though of course they can apply to any channel.
I'm sure other contributors may relate to some of them and can think of other examples of practices which could be added to the list.
With a new programme, if your impression of it after ten minutes is that it's going to be rubbish, you’ll only be right 95% of the time.
The number of advance programme trails screened, will be in inverse proportion to the quality of the programme. The ”best bits” of any programme will be included in the trail.
The volume of background music will often be in inverse proportion to the amount of watchable activity on the screen at that time.
Any TV audience gets the standard of programmes it deserves. It’s no good complaining about the quality of a programme if you continue to watch it.
If an idea for a programme suggested to a TV network commissioning department isn’t another soap in one form or another, or requires an "in your face" presenter/auto-cutie, celebrities, judges, phone votes, or the inclusion of dysfunctional members of the public, it is unlikely to be made.
The number of programme presenters appearing at any one time, will usually be in inverse proportion to the quality of the programme.
The number and variety of similar programmes on TV, are likely to be in inverse proportion to their cost to present.
To reach the widest audience, in a programme where the subject is of a specific nature, it may include totally unrelated elements in an attempt to also “engage” viewers who aren’t the slightest bit interested in the actual topic, in a futile attempt to increase the ratings.
Some programmes, even a few news bulletins, given the level at which the programme makers pitch their production, should have the words; "for Dummies" added to the title.
If you've any doubts about watching a programme, from the trails or advertising you've seen, take a chance, give it a miss.
I started compiling this list several years ago and some of these "laws" are now occasionally mentioned by contributors to a specific TV network message board, though of course they can apply to any channel.
I'm sure other contributors may relate to some of them and can think of other examples of practices which could be added to the list.
With a new programme, if your impression of it after ten minutes is that it's going to be rubbish, you’ll only be right 95% of the time.
The number of advance programme trails screened, will be in inverse proportion to the quality of the programme. The ”best bits” of any programme will be included in the trail.
The volume of background music will often be in inverse proportion to the amount of watchable activity on the screen at that time.
Any TV audience gets the standard of programmes it deserves. It’s no good complaining about the quality of a programme if you continue to watch it.
If an idea for a programme suggested to a TV network commissioning department isn’t another soap in one form or another, or requires an "in your face" presenter/auto-cutie, celebrities, judges, phone votes, or the inclusion of dysfunctional members of the public, it is unlikely to be made.
The number of programme presenters appearing at any one time, will usually be in inverse proportion to the quality of the programme.
The number and variety of similar programmes on TV, are likely to be in inverse proportion to their cost to present.
To reach the widest audience, in a programme where the subject is of a specific nature, it may include totally unrelated elements in an attempt to also “engage” viewers who aren’t the slightest bit interested in the actual topic, in a futile attempt to increase the ratings.
Some programmes, even a few news bulletins, given the level at which the programme makers pitch their production, should have the words; "for Dummies" added to the title.
If you've any doubts about watching a programme, from the trails or advertising you've seen, take a chance, give it a miss.
by Doghouse Riley November 2, 2008
Get the Doghouse's Laws of Television mug. Passive viewing, watching TV programme or parts thereof, not of your choice to which you've been "exposed."
It is passive viewing if you are watching a television programme you don't particularly want to see, either because you've caught a part of it while changing channels, or by selecting the wrong channel.
Suffering a programme because you are in the company of someone who wants to watch it is passive viewing.
Suffering a programme because you are in the company of someone who wants to watch it is passive viewing.
by Doghouse Riley October 14, 2007
Get the passive viewingmug. A popular singer or entertainer, who affects a manner, lifestyle, or the speech of someone from a deprived or oppressed background, in an attempt to be considered more "street." When in fact they had a middle class or privileged upbringing.
Both Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen are ghetto tourists.
Amy thinks she's Billie Holiday reincarnated, but she was born in a North London suburb, went to an independent school and the Sylvia Young stage school, any "tragedy" she's endured she's manufactured for herself.
Lily Allen tries to give the impression when she sings that she's really a Cockney.
She was born in Hammersmith and raised in Islington, a pleasant London suburb. Her father is an actor, her mother a film producer. She attended a number of private schools in the better parts of London, including one Prince Charles attended.
Amy thinks she's Billie Holiday reincarnated, but she was born in a North London suburb, went to an independent school and the Sylvia Young stage school, any "tragedy" she's endured she's manufactured for herself.
Lily Allen tries to give the impression when she sings that she's really a Cockney.
She was born in Hammersmith and raised in Islington, a pleasant London suburb. Her father is an actor, her mother a film producer. She attended a number of private schools in the better parts of London, including one Prince Charles attended.
by Doghouse Riley January 12, 2009
Get the ghetto touristmug. An internet "massage board" is where likeminded posters can massage the egos of each other by telling them how wonderful they are.
Sorry, I can't think of an example of massage boards but I'm sure that such behaviour goes on on a lot of message boards.
by Doghouse Riley December 25, 2007
Get the massage boardmug. The Pantomime Factor is a device used by writers of film and TV dramas that has the audience shouting at the screen, when what the hero or heroine is about to do, defies imagination and logic.
An example of The Pantomime Factor.
The heroine on a dark night walks alone into her unlit house which clearly has had a forced entry and fails to see a figure lurking in the dark as they stumble about, never even thinking about turning on a light.
More impressionable observers will be shouting; "Look out behind you!" and similar warnings at the screen, but of course to no avail.
The heroine on a dark night walks alone into her unlit house which clearly has had a forced entry and fails to see a figure lurking in the dark as they stumble about, never even thinking about turning on a light.
More impressionable observers will be shouting; "Look out behind you!" and similar warnings at the screen, but of course to no avail.
by Doghouse Riley July 3, 2008
Get the The Pantomime Factormug. The practice of TV programme producers using one of the same small group of supporting cast actors in different programmes, because they choose "characters" rather than actors, thus there's no time wasted "getting themselves into the part" required.
These actors will play similar characters to that which they played in another recent drama, some as in period dramas, even wearing similar costumes to those they wore before.
It seems that sometimes, as soon as these people "exit stage right" in one drama, round they come again "entering stage left" in something else.
"The Magic Roundabout" is the title of a children's stop-action cartoon series. A roundabout being shown during the opening credits
These actors will play similar characters to that which they played in another recent drama, some as in period dramas, even wearing similar costumes to those they wore before.
It seems that sometimes, as soon as these people "exit stage right" in one drama, round they come again "entering stage left" in something else.
"The Magic Roundabout" is the title of a children's stop-action cartoon series. A roundabout being shown during the opening credits
In the BBC medical series "Bodies" Chrissy Farrell was seen each week as the hospital's departmental manager Vicky Hall.
A week or so after this series ended, she turned up in another BBC medical soap, "Casualty," as a patient in a ward bed, but she played her part no differently, same north-eastern accent. It was as if "Vicky Hall" had had an accident and was suffering from amnesia.
She'd been on The Magic "cast" Roundabout. "Magically," appearing as someone else almost immediately after she'd disappeared from another drama.
It happens in films, but not so frequently, an example would be Elisha Cook Jr. who played a petty small time crook in dozens of films.
A week or so after this series ended, she turned up in another BBC medical soap, "Casualty," as a patient in a ward bed, but she played her part no differently, same north-eastern accent. It was as if "Vicky Hall" had had an accident and was suffering from amnesia.
She'd been on The Magic "cast" Roundabout. "Magically," appearing as someone else almost immediately after she'd disappeared from another drama.
It happens in films, but not so frequently, an example would be Elisha Cook Jr. who played a petty small time crook in dozens of films.
by Doghouse Riley October 14, 2007
Get the The Magic "cast" Roundabout.mug. A film or TV drama where innocent people are taken hostage say, in a bank, where the customers are made by the crooks to all lie on the floor in similar fashion to sausages in a pan. Thus a sausage situation.
by Doghouse Riley April 5, 2008
Get the Sausage situationmug.