mouse trap mom

An anxious, delusional mother who enjoins her child to behave by making fantastic claims about the likely consequences of her child's misbehavior. Like the board game Mouse Trap, her claims involve a series of improbable events, ending in disaster.

Mouse Trap Mom: Bobby, stop jumping around! The people in line are holding coffee, and if you bump into them, they are going to spill coffee all over your face, and then you'll be scarred for life, like Seal, except you won't be able to sing well, since you'll break your vocal chords when you cry from the hot coffee burns, so no girls will like you. Out of desperation you'll awkwardly start experimenting with guys. You'll get really drunk one night and have rough sex with a guy in a Chelsea bar and then your ass will be tore up like goatse. You'll never be able to shit right, again, so you'll have to stay away from beans and rice, which is a shame, because they would have prevented you from getting intestinal cancer. So you'll get it and die alone when you are 37. So stop fucking jumping around.

mouse trap mom by nb c lo August 6, 2009