Fuck Me Figuratively Up The Ass

An exclamation of extreme shock and disbelief, whether at an event or a sight being witnessed.

Can also be used when you discover someone has been fucking you over.

Person 1: Holy shit! What the hell is that person doing?
Person 2: Well, fuck me figuratively up the ass, they're raping a dog.

Person 1: You have a date with Sally? You know, she has a boyfriend.
Person 2: Fuck me figuratively up the ass! Three months and she never said anything!