You sit on the toilet to
poop, but the
poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. The
poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The
poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The
poop accelerates. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The
poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The
poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 5 million viewers. The
poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your
house. 60 feet. The
poop accelerates. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The
poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The
poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive.
