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both hands on my junk 

A phrase used to indicate that one is more than competent to deal with a situation and, frankly, they've got this shit handled.

Don't worry about it.
"Well, sounds like you've got it handled."

"OH, I'M HANDLING IT WITH BOTH HANDS ON MY JUNK!"

Junkhandler 

The airport screeners who frisk you for concealed items before or after walking through the scanners or metal detectors. Also known as friskarista.
That junkhandler took his sweet time checking my junk.
Junkhandler by gummer stumps November 25, 2010