1. An ultraconservative, hack bestselling author with no discernible writing skills whatsoever, read (and defended) by semi-literate Neanderthals who consider his tripe "real good writin'." Books are characterized by stilted dialogue, senseless plotting, intrusive author's voice, messy tone, surface characterization, tired genre tropes, laugh out loud resolutions, and metaphors so sloppy they would make a six-year-old roll her eyes.
Read by your grandmother, your weird uncle, a couple of your friends and that slutty, weird girl you knew in high school and/or college. Also: read by people who wouldn't know real literature if a copy of "The Great Gatsby" fell out of the sky and knocked them unconscious.
2. Author whose best fortune came when a man named "Koontz" banged his mama, bestowing him with the name "Koontz," ensuring he would be shelved next to "King," a much superior writer in every sense of the word.
Dean: "I picked up a new Dean Koontz today at Walgreens for 50% off."
Steve: "My god! You didn't read it, did you?"
Dean: "Yes, and now I've got severe brain damage."
Steve: "I see your brains are spilling out of your ears. Let's get you to the ER."
Dean: "Yes, thank you. I promise not to read any more Dean Koontz books."
Steve: "Thank you. I will hold you to that."
An american author best known for suspense thrillers, often including the supernatural. His prose is excellent, and his plots are often original, however his books are characterized by flat characters and unrealistically neat endings. They often have extremely heavy christian overtones, with static, exaggerated characters, making the books incident driven instead of character driven. Dean Koontz writes about five or six boks a year, and so due to this rapid production speed his books often feature very similar heroes/villains/endings/themes/dogs/settings.
Person1: Guess which Dean Koontz book I am thinking of.
Person2: Give me a clue.
Person1: It has a heroic dog in it.
Person2: That narrows it down to about thirty books.
Person1: Okay, this one has a strong, beautiful, determined female with a gentle, more sensitive male counterpart.
Person2: Forty books.
Person1: This one has an evil, corrupt, sadistic, deviant atheist as the villain, who has a god complex, likes raping people, and has a weird hobby for no reason whatsoever.
Person2: Fifty books.
Person1: Alright, now I'm thinking of one where the hero is a humble, loving, heroic, caring, clean-living christian with high moral standards and a dislike of evolution science and anything psychologically explaining the abstract concept of 'evil'.
Person2: Forty books.
Person1: This one has a too-neat ending where the evil side is totally destroyed and the good guys all live happily ever after with faith and love in some american-apple-pie family situation.
Person2: Fifty books.
Person1: The christian overtones are so heavy that it feels like he is beating me around the head with his bible and shouting in my ear.
Person2: Seventy books.
Person1: It's really really good.
Person2: (looks blank)
A well known author read mostly by an older, more seasoned demographic. Koontz is defined by a descriptive, fluid and mature writing style and storylines that fall far outside the mainstream into what many times can be considered almost indescribable in their uniqueness. Koontz has tackled a wide array of subjects from mind control and behavioral modification (The Door to December) to sociopathic serial killers (Intensity) to the truly supernatural (Tick Tock, Darkfall). Often times disrespected by young pricks that have never read two words of one of his novels because they prefer to act smart by talking about Stephen King when in reality they've never read two words of one of his novels, either. Dean Koontz will never gain the mainstream press and praise of most other well known writers, but he has been in the game for a long time and has a very big fan base devoted to his finely crafted works of fiction.
Zach: "Hey man. I just finished this Dean Koontz book called The Servants of Twilight, it was pretty rad."
Jaccob: "Dude, Koontz fuckin' sucks cock. Stephen King is way better. I saw some of IT on tv last night. Man, that guy's a great writer."
Zach: "You're gonna die in your fuckin' sleep tonight."
another name for yr poonanny, your vag, yr cunt ...
to be used in place of calling someone a cunt.
i kicked him in the balls, so he kicked me in my dean koontz
my mom is quite a dean koontz