plus-size albert's definitions

Conejo valley

A region of southern California that consists of southern Thousand Oaks/Newbury Park, Westlake Village, Agoura Hills, a little bit of Calabasas, and Oak Park which is actually not apart of this region or county, but is considered one of the region's neighborhoods. Each one of these "communities" has a specific trait:
Thousand Oaks/Newbury Park: Working class Simi Valley - type people
Westlake Village: Skater teens and rich adults
Agoura Hills: Wannabe gangster teens who do drugs and tag walls in parking lots, and redneck adults who are friendly but clueless about these incidents

Calabasas: Rich people but bad schools

Oak Park: Pot heads and insane/unexpected news, like kidnappings and pedophiles

"I live in Conejo Valley."

"Oh yeah? Which city?"
"Oak park"
"Huh?"

by plus-size albert November 22, 2020

Twin Oaks Shopping Center

A large strip mall in Agoura Hills, CA that acts as the "shopping mall" of the area. Mainly because the mall companies wouldn't be caught dead building an actual mall in this crappy of an area. It is full of stores and businesses that closedown within a week either because of horrible business management, crushing business taxes, or shoplifted blind by the wannabe-gangsta kids of the neighborhood. During the day it is crowded with brainless girls doing tik-toks with Starbucks in hand, and at night it's crowded with the wannabe-gangstas that go to Agoura High and drunk college kids (that don't even live ANYWHERE in the area) that throw bottles at you if you get too close. (Speaking from experience).

"Did you hear what happened at the twin oaks shopping center?"

"Was there a fire? Did someone get shot? Just tell me all ready..."

by plus-size albert December 22, 2020

Old Agoura

A neighborhood in the eastern part of Agoura Hills, CA. It is known as the original "Agoura" community before it became an official city in 1982. It is a bizarre mixture of mansions, miniature farms where people raise horses, and dimly lit warehouses where high schoolers will do burn-outs. For anyone who doesn't own a horse or car, it is hell to get from A to B without twisting your ankle, this is because the area has no actual sidewalks. As "peaceful" as the area seems during the day, it actually has the highest crime rate in the eastern Conejo valley. This is mainly because of it's no streetlight policy, which makes it pitch-black at night. Thus, allowing low-lifers from the SF valley to break into cars and slip away into the night. This also allows Agoura High students to commit most of their shenanigans here. So you will be cruising by white-picket fences with people brushing horses, turn a corner, and see an ENTIRE wall tagged with random graffiti, or you'll be chilling in your backyard and hear tires screeching a block over. Of course, the adults are clueless about this and it'll be up to you to keep your valuables safe. Although the Brightside is, it has lots of great hiking trails, so that you can twist your ankle faster :).

"You know, Old Agoura actually has the highest crime rate in Agoura Hills." - teen
"Oh no it doesn't! You kids don't know how good you have it!" - clueless adult

by plus-size albert December 20, 2020

Agoura Hills, CA

A small southern California city in Los Angeles County. It has a population of 20,000 and life here is somewhere in-between living in a charming small town, and EVERYTHING WRONG with a suburb. It's filled with nice but clueless adults and cool but sketchy teens. If many people would take five seconds to look away from the big houses and palm trees, you would see that it's not uncommon to find a used needle next to the sidewalk or have a bottle thrown at you while walking through a parking lot.

"Agoura Hills, CA has excellent schools! :)" - Clueless parent

by plus-size albert November 20, 2020

Lindero Canyon Middle School

A middle school in western Agoura Hills, CA. It's mascot is the cougar and is classified as the slightly less awful version of AE Wright middle school. Half the kids look like they should be in high school and the other half, SHOULD be in juvenile hall. It seems that the school believes that throwing water at a teacher AND getting arrested by the school cop in the same afternoon in front of the school is not enough to even suspend them. The school also doesn't believe that students are worthy of seats either, so any time you are called into the multi purpose room, you have to sit on the floor like a bunch of first graders. It's not all bad, though. You have the pep squad, which is basically a bunch of girls in shorts and jerseys dancing proactively to whiny pop music. Also you have a prominent skating culture here, and what that means, is that you have a pretty good chance on having 3'4 shrimp with daddy issues bailing right on you while walking passed any staircase with a railing. But it's a blue ribbon school, so I guess that's cool....

"Lindero Canyon Middle School has great teachers!" -parent
"Yeah, but only if the school allows them to do their jobs!" -kid who actually goes there

by plus-size albert November 22, 2020

Old Agoura

The neighborhood of eastern Agoura Hills, CA. It is an area of the city reserved for farmhouses and horse owners. It is filled with bored-wannabe-gangster teens and cowboys. It has the highest crime rate, not just in Agoura Hills, but in the whole area due to the no street-light policy, which is in place to reduce light pollution, making it easier for people to get away with things without being seen. It has no sidewalks, which makes it very difficult to get from A to B without twisting your ankle (speaking from experience). It is also surrounded by dimly-lit warehouses and office buildings making it even more prone to sketchy characters from the highway and Agoura High-schoolers to committing thugery in the 69th degree. Beside that, it's really nice in the day, though.

"Wanna hang out in Old Agoura?" -dude #1
"Nah, someone stole my bike" -dude#2
"Again?!" -dude#1

by plus-size albert November 28, 2020