plus-size albert's definitions

Old Agoura

A neighborhood in the eastern part of Agoura Hills, CA. It is known as the original "Agoura" community before it became an official city in 1982. It is a bizarre mixture of mansions, miniature farms where people raise horses, and dimly lit warehouses where high schoolers will do burn-outs. For anyone who doesn't own a horse or car, it is hell to get from A to B without twisting your ankle, this is because the area has no actual sidewalks. As "peaceful" as the area seems during the day, it actually has the highest crime rate in the eastern Conejo valley. This is mainly because of it's no streetlight policy, which makes it pitch-black at night. Thus, allowing low-lifers from the SF valley to break into cars and slip away into the night. This also allows Agoura High students to commit most of their shenanigans here. So you will be cruising by white-picket fences with people brushing horses, turn a corner, and see an ENTIRE wall tagged with random graffiti, or you'll be chilling in your backyard and hear tires screeching a block over. Of course, the adults are clueless about this and it'll be up to you to keep your valuables safe. Although the Brightside is, it has lots of great hiking trails, so that you can twist your ankle faster :).

"You know, Old Agoura actually has the highest crime rate in Agoura Hills." - teen
"Oh no it doesn't! You kids don't know how good you have it!" - clueless adult

by plus-size albert December 20, 2020

A E Wright Middle School

A middle school in Calabasas, CA. It is known as the much more awful version of Lindero Canyon Middle School. It's famous for it's abundance of mentally ill students. For whatever reason, A E Wright tends to pump out students that threaten to hurt themselves or others either just for attention or they actually DO IT and it becomes a whole thing.

In fact, it is a common trope at Agoura High School that the drug-addicted burnouts of Agoura High come from Lindero Canyon Middle School, and that the mentally ill nut-cases come from A E Wright.

Talking about a kid from A E Wright Middle School:
"Did you hear what that kid did in art? Apparently he had a nervous breakdown!"

by plus-size albert January 2, 2021

Northern California

The region of California that is everything north of San Jose. It is MOSTLY untouched from the rest of California's chaos and is the only conservative and beautiful place left in California. It consists of pine tree covered mountains, peaceful suburban towns (like Redding, CA), and abandoned buildings that are prime for urban explorers. Unfortunately, the California plague doesn't stop evolving, so the beautiful forests that everyone knows and loves will be burned down in the next 10 years

"I'm from California." - Californian

"Oh don't you go vote blue now, ya hear?!" - Texan

"Don't worry I'm from Northern California" - Californian
"What's the difference? - Texan

by plus-size albert December 22, 2020

California Dad

A middle-aged white male that (usually) lives in a Southern California suburb. They are slightly overweight with a chubby face and balding. They will wear a baseball cap with sunglasses, short-sleeve shirt, cargo shorts, white socks with sneakers. They spout liberal propaganda any chance they get (which is strange because they come off as strict). They are often completely clueless about the world around them, because they will read a random statistic off of the local newspaper about how their community is "the safest in the tri-county area" and they will take it as fact and then lecture kids about how "good they have it" no matter how many incidents of crime affect those kids or show up in their neighborhood. And when it happens they often will brush it off as "kids being kids" because they did that when they were younger so they think it's normal. A California Dad is one of the most useless people you will ever meet.

"Did you tell your dad about how you had a bottle thrown at you?" - friend #1

"Yeah but he just said 'ThAts wHat TEenagers dO!'. To be honest, I think he did that crap as well." - friend #2
"He's such a California dad" - friend #1

by plus-size albert December 29, 2020

Agoura Hills, CA

A small southern California city in Los Angeles County. It has a population of 20,000 and life here is somewhere in-between living in a charming small town, and EVERYTHING WRONG with a suburb. It's filled with nice but clueless adults and cool but sketchy teens. If many people would take five seconds to look away from the big houses and palm trees, you would see that it's not uncommon to find a used needle next to the sidewalk or have a bottle thrown at you while walking through a parking lot.

"Agoura Hills, CA has excellent schools! :)" - Clueless parent

by plus-size albert November 20, 2020

Lindero Canyon Middle School

A middle school in western Agoura Hills, CA. It's mascot is the cougar and is classified as the slightly less awful version of AE Wright middle school. Half the kids look like they should be in high school and the other half, SHOULD be in juvenile hall. It seems that the school believes that throwing water at a teacher AND getting arrested by the school cop in the same afternoon in front of the school is not enough to even suspend them. The school also doesn't believe that students are worthy of seats either, so any time you are called into the multi purpose room, you have to sit on the floor like a bunch of first graders. It's not all bad, though. You have the pep squad, which is basically a bunch of girls in shorts and jerseys dancing proactively to whiny pop music. Also you have a prominent skating culture here, and what that means, is that you have a pretty good chance on having 3'4 shrimp with daddy issues bailing right on you while walking passed any staircase with a railing. But it's a blue ribbon school, so I guess that's cool....

"Lindero Canyon Middle School has great teachers!" -parent
"Yeah, but only if the school allows them to do their jobs!" -kid who actually goes there

by plus-size albert November 22, 2020