1 definition by man blewha

Top Definition
Northport is a relatively wealthy village in the Huntington township located on the north shore of Long Island. The generally agreed upon characterization of Northport is that it mostly doesn't suck, because due to a number of highly industrious marijuana dealers, there is a healthy supply of purple, king and afghan kush. Also grapefruit haze was here last year, that was good. Every so often cocaine comes to town and that becomes a thing. Coke epidemics have sometimes started on the basis of someone coming back from college with an O and moving it around town. But mostly the drug of choice is weed, and among the more dedicated stoners, acid.

Generally, Northport is an expensive place to live, with housing prices being driven up on the basis that we only have 35 black people, and when a new one arrives everyone is quick to notice and take down their plates. Mostly, the people here live without too much worry about the helter skelter race wars, though some of the smarter ones do.

In the 30's, Antoine de Saint-Exupery lived in a house by Wyatt, and in 1950-ish Jack Kerouac got drunk in a bar in Northport. Then in 1984, Ricky Kasso cut a kid's eyes out and then choked him to death with gravel. To this day people are stilled wowed in the poon about that. He is recognized for his popularization of the drugs LSD and mescaline, as well as making it less gay to listen to Judas Priest.

During the year, there is little meaningful activity to do in Northport. During the day one can fish, swim or windsurf, but at night if you're under 21 and can't get politely inebriated at the Wine Bar or the Yacht Club, your time is best spent getting beligerently inebriated and breaking mailboxes or playing the choking game. Those who live dangerously might venture out into neighboring East-Northport, which is actually south of Northport, but calling themselves South-Northport would just make the people that live there feel like even more of a marginalized and lower class subdivision of Northport, so for the sake of their mental health, town planners made a concerted decision to rely on its slightly eastward positioning, rather than its more obvious southward positioning, when choosing the name.

Northport High School is a central aspect of Northport life, being made up of a large population of over achievers, a few genuinely intelligent people, and an overall air of superiority that makes us 100% sure we can beat you up, though we only really have a 40:60 chance that's in your favor. Our students tend to win Intel Prizes etc. with the intellectual atmosphere being dominated by IB students who think they're really intelligent, but they mostly just work extremely hard so they can end up in a research position at a university where they will be unhappy, while people who do less work and get a business management degree from Hofstra will do marginally better for themselves and be much more satisfied with their family/sex lives.
I just bought a house in Northport, because, I figure, with the relatively small Negro population, aggressively strong strains of Haze, and nationally ranked school system, my children can get into Binghamton and do decently for themselves.
by man blewha April 12, 2009

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