brett burkhardt's definitions

Martyr Moment

A moment of self denial, privation, or sacrifice that a person uses for sympathy and pity for years on end or to guilt people into doing what they want.

Ed knew that driving his girlfriend to the airport at 4am was just the martyr moment he needed to get more oral.

“Lilly, you can just jump down off that cross now. Staying three minutes after work is not a martyr moment worthy of asking for Friday night off.”

by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008

Hold Hostage

When you’re waiting on hold for someone and know that the second you answer another call or check another line they’ll answer and hang up when you don’t answer right away.

I’ve been a hold hostage for 8 minutes now. I know that if that whore in accounts receivable picks up when I try and answer this other line she’ll disconnect.

by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008

Mumblefuck

When the person you're talking to is mumbling and you can't understand a damn thing they're saying. Usually used in situations where they're giving you important information like a reservation number or directions on how to get somewhere.

A typical mumblefuck conversation.
"Can I get your order please?"
"Yeah-um...I'd *mumble*...and then *mumble* large *unknown stammering*"
"I'm sorry, what?"

"Hey, Amy, how do we get to your house from downtown?"
"You'll go down *mumble mumble mumble*...after that you'll take a *mumble* onto 4th *mumble*
"Hold on, Amy, just a sec....Guys, can you shut up for a sec, this is a real mumblefuck conversation and all your talking isn't making this any easier to hear."

by Brett Burkhardt May 12, 2008

Name Nabber

A customer who demands on getting your name even though you’ve already told them and you’re wearing a name tag because they want to bitch about shit that never happened or things that they imagined.

Mr. Gonzalez was a major name nabber. He’ll write that shit down and then bitch about you to a manager 3 weeks later for some made up bullshit.

Sheila knew the customer was a name nabber so she told him that her name was Sharon.

by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008

tab abuse

When you pick up the tab for someone and their simple request turns into a dozen expensive things.

"When we go to the bar and he picks up the tab he limits us to tap beer but when I pick up the tab he insists on getting $10 martinis."
"That us such tab abuse, tell his ass he can buy his own drinks."

A common tab abuse situation.
"I forgot my purse at home, will you buy me a pack of gum and maybe a pack of smokes?"
"Sure."
"Sweet! In that case, I also need another pack of smokes, two frozen pizzas, some chips, a six pack, a box of tampons, and a bottle of vodka...oh and some orange juice..."

by Brett Burkhardt May 12, 2008

2 Beer Bisexual

A guy who starts to act out his bisexual desires after just one or two drinks.

The guys at Alpha Sig didn’t care that Mark was bi, they just wished he would be honest about it instead of being a 2 Beer Bisexual who uses drinking as an excuse to be his real self.

by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008

Bargain Bin Bandit

Someone who gets as much of their clothing, furnishings, books, cds, dvds, etc. from sale racks and bargain bins

Sara the Bargain Bin Bandit somehow managed to look like amazing even though her entire ensemble cost just $30.

by Brett Burkhardt April 27, 2008