Definitions by albert woods

Beaky Shoe 

The plaintive cry of the Euro-Asian lesser-brained immigrant, welcomed into the country to fill the vital and skilled role of accosting the public by flogging copies of Big Issue.

Seller: 'Beaky Shoe! Beaky Shoe, plizz!'

Joe Public: 'Piss off!'

Beaky Shoe by Albert Woods January 4, 2009

Chuttocks 

Excessively fat jowels that hang from the face and meet under the chin in a cleavage reminiscent of a huge arse.

'My 28 stone wife has enormous chuttocks. If it wasn't for her endless talking, I'd never know which end is which.'

Chuttocks by Albert Woods January 3, 2009

Snepprotical 

Adjective with variable, or no, meaning; used to flummox one's superiors and betters who will not admit to their total ignorance of the word.

In Business:-

'What do you think of the latest sales figures, Braithwaite?

'Well sir, they could be better; but they're quite snepprotical aren't they.'

or Socially:-

'A round of golf tomorrow, Smithers?"

'I'm afraid not Lord Duff. My wife's holding a snepprotical coffee morning.'

Snepprotical by Albert Woods January 2, 2009

Diarreah 

1:
Another example of the Americans mangling the English language. Should be:- Diarrhoea.

2:
As stated above, liquid shits.

'Sorry Lord Puttnam, I can't make it to the Oscars. I've got diarreah.'

'No you haven't, my dear. You've got diarrhoea.'

'Oh... that's ok then. I'll be there at 7.'

Diarreah by Albert Woods December 15, 2008

Naturally

1: A term people use when they mean the exact opposite.

2: The perfect get-out in tricky conversations.

1:
'Where, on earth, did you manage to find naturally produced meat balls, Fiona?'

'In Sainsburys.'

2:
'I assume you've remembered me in your will?'

'Naturally.'

Naturally by Albert Woods December 9, 2008

Shuftee 

Noun and Verb.

N: A shuftee - sexual deviant (of either sex) who gains gratification from sniffing recently-used ladies bicycle saddles in hot weather.

Vb: To shuftee - To place the flared nostrils on the horn of a freshly-used ladies bicycle saddle on a sweltering hot day, inhale deeply through the nose and collapse in a miasma of orgasmic delight.

N:
'Just look at him coming all over her rear mudguard: the filthy shuftee'

Vb:
'How dare you shuftee my Raleigh Superior!'
'Is it yours, Miss Widdecombe? Oh God - I thought it belonged to Miss Lumley.'

Shuftee by Albert Woods December 9, 2008

Crying Wolf 

1: Some women's irritating habit of regulary shouting out: 'Wolf! Wolf!'

2: A wolf that has just missed out on its lunch of Red Riding Hood and has tears in its eyes.

Man: 'Stop crying Wolf! Wolf!'

Woman: 'I'm not, you tosser. It's Fido going Woof! Woof!'

Man: 'I hate false alarms. Get him some eloquotion lessons.'

Crying Wolf by Albert Woods September 27, 2007