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8 definitions by Urbanized hillbilly

 
1.
A word that used to mean punishment for a child who had done wrong. When done fairly and properly the child usually did not commit that particular crime again. Some parents used it only as a means of last resort. Other parents spanked their kids for every little thing they did which actually had the opposite effect.

Spanking has fallen into disfavor these days for more "Progressive" means of "Educating" children. The advocates of the progressive system say that you must never strike a child. They say that if your child hits you with a broom handle you are to sit them down and educate them that they should not do that because it hurts people. Never tell them that it's wrong because that may hurt their self esteem and psychologically harm them,

The advocates of the progressive way are usually childless, single people who write books on how to raise your kids. They usually have long impressive titles behind their names that make them look like really smart people who know everything about raising kids. In reality they only spent as little time as possible with kids. Most of their time was spent kissing up to the professors in whatever diploma mill (College) they attended. This happens far more than you think.
2012 parent 1;Honey look at this book!" When we have our first kid this is exactly what we will do!"

2012 parent 2; "Is that the book that advises against spanking??"

2012 parent 1; "Why yes it is!" "This person is really smart and knows what they are talking about! " Look at all those titles after their name!" This is one awesome super smart person and we will raise our kids just like they say!."

20 years later
1."Honey!! the jail called again we need bail money!"
2. "Which kid?"
1. "I dunno"
2. " I don't have it but maybe I will after I sue the idiot that wrote that book."
1. " We can't do that, they moved to the Caymans to escape paying taxes on the childcare books they write."
2. " That's right, they pushed for high taxes on the wealthy, and when the law passed they moved out of the USA to the Caymans where they still talk about everybody paying their fair share." Now they are saying that even the poor should pay taxes.
by Urbanized hillbilly December 20, 2012
 
2.
A person who had a lifetime hatred of cats. One who used to tell tales of how evil they were. Then one day their girlfriend or wife, or kid, or etc. forces them to live with a cat. Cats are attracted to cat haters. This particular cat also turns out to be intelligent, friendly and loving. The cat hater eventually sees kitty do something funny, looks at kitty and says, " You'll do cat,you got a home with me." At this point kitty will look at the former cat hater and blink hi eyes one time. In cat talk this can mean different things but in this case it means "I like you too."

A converted cat hater becomes a cat defender. They get angry when people say bad things about them. They become homicidal if they think somebody is going to hurt their cat.
Two bored teenagers are crusing a tiny midwestern village late at night.
Teen 1; I'm bored man, lets do something, lets tear this fucking little town up, take that gun and shoot at some houses.

Teen 2; This is the town where Billy was killed. He shot at a house and within 15 seconds half the town was shooting at him.

Teen 1, Bad idea, take my pellet rifle, it makes less noise, and start shooting their fucking cats. Everybody in this town hates cats. We will be hero's to them.

Teen 2. Aims the pellet rifle at a cat but before he can shoot the back window of their car explodes. Then they hear the distinct sound of another round being jacked in to a pump shot gun.

Teen 1. "Lets get the fuck out of here dude!" "That's a converted cat hater with a gun and they WILL kill us."

The teens later meet their buddies. They tell their friends "Some asshole shot our back window out but that's OK." We really beat the shit out of him and we tore that little town up before we left," "You shoulda seen it man, they was all scared of us and acting like bitches."
by Urbanized hillbilly December 20, 2012
 
3.
A derogatory term similar in meaning to asshole, or stupid asshole. Jackass is a term that's almost never used by today's young people but somehow it sounds hilarious when an old person says it and really means it.
The jerk CEO at a nursing home was telling old man Smith that if he was going to stay at this nursing home he would have to sell his house and possessions or be kicked out.

Old man Smith: "Jackass!"

Nursing staff covers their mouths and tries desperately to stifle their laughter. Old Man Smith just said exactly how they felt about their CEO.
by Urbanized hillbilly December 21, 2012
 
4.
This is the cleaned up highly edited version of my original post that was rejected by editors possibly because of mild cuss words.

A. A breed of dog known as the Dachshund. It comes in both standard and miniature sizes. Their coats range from shorthair to longhair. Some are aloof to strangers and save their love for their owners. If socialized properly they will be very friendly to most BUT NOT ALL STRANGERS.

B. An affectionate term used by dachshund owners due to the breed looking like a hot dog on a bun.

C. Sometimes used as a derogatory term by people who don't like this breed of dog.

D. A word that makes former dachshund haters angry. These people are worse than former cat haters and are very defensive of this breed.
A man who formerly hated dachshunds is seen walking a female longhaired miniature dachshund down the street. The dog is strutting because she is proud of her new owner, loves him tremendously, and in dog language is saying "Look at us." "This is my new human and I love him."

The owner meets up with his friends. They start needling him. The one says " Yer old lady got a wiener dog and now she is MAKING you walk." " You have turned in to a pathetic wuss."

The man picks up the Idiot who made that remark by the lapels of his shirt and has his feet dangling in the air." The dachshund has flipped from happy to angry and is nipping at the victims heels. The dachshund owner says " First off you will NO call my dachshund a wiener dog again." Secondly I just had an argument with me wife." " We were arguing because she wanted to walk the dog and I wanted to walk her too." Third off you (Censored) do you ever wonder why you are 50 years old and can't keep a wife or a girlfriend for any length of time?"At that point the idiot finally makes the first right decision he's made in a long time. He apologizes. They have been friends for a long time and he does not want to hear what his friend thinks of his ability to keep a woman.
by Urbanized hillbilly December 20, 2012
 
5.
Sadly it's what the organization called mothers against drunk drivers eventually became.

They had a good cause, one that even the people who drink agreed with. Once they got power they became drunk with power. They were not happy with getting the new laws passed. They keep pushing for even more and stricter laws.

Politicians were more than happy top oblige. They saw the whole affair as a means to raise money without raising taxes.

The old way of handling drunk drivers needed changed. Too many decent people were killed. Unfortunately now decent people have arrest records for drinking half a beer.
Politician to police chief. We need a new city hall but we are short of funds. Go arrest more drunk drivers.

police chief; We are already busting a lot of people as it is. I thought we were doing this to stop drunk drivers. If that's not the case then you ought to convince the people to raise taxes to build your new city hall.

The politician goes to a Motherfuckers Against Drunk Drivers meeting. He says " Drunk Driving is a CRIME against humanity!" "I need your help." "The police chief is RESISTING my efforts to rid the streets of this scum!" "I need all of you to do a public demonstration at the mayors office and DEMAND he be fired!"

There was a huge protest at the mayors office. The police chief was fired, the new police chief cracked down on the drunk drivers. A huge new city hall building was built. All the politicians became rich from illegal kickbacks. The police chief took a job as a meter maid in a smaller town that paid very low salaries. The drunks were still driving and killing people.
by Urbanized Hillbilly December 25, 2012
 
6.
Monsters that sometimes appear as disembodied hands or hands that look look like they were cut off of someones arm.

Their favorite activity is to hide under a kids bed, then just as the kid is ready to drift off to sleep they sneak up under the bed covers and grab the kid by the foot. If the kid is not completely scared they will try dragging him out of bed. On other occasions they become invisible and pull the sheets off the kid when they are awake. This makes the shhets look like they are moving on their own.
it's the 1950's and little Johnnie screams out in the night.

Johnnies mom: What's the matter dear?"

Johnnie; The Clipcloppers and Cottas are grabbing my feet"

Johnnies mom; " Don't say that ever again or the police will come and lock you up in the lunatic Asylum for the rest of your life."
by Urbanized Hillbilly January 01, 2013
 
7.
A small outbuilding, usually unheated, has no air conditioning, where employees go to enjoy smoking a cigarette while anti-smoking Nazi's walk by and give them hateful looks.

Many times you will find non smokers there too. They are there because they like the conversation that sometimes goes on at a smoke shack.

Smokers go there for many different reasons. The main one being that they don't want to offend their non smoking friends. They also know that for many people smoking is not healthy. Many of them want to quit,have tried to quit, but then a anti-smoking Nazi will get in their face and tell them they are evil people." This has the reverse effect on a smoker and makes them want a cigarette even more."
Two anti-smoking nazis are walking by a smoke shack.
Nazi 1; "Look at that Smoke Shack." "Those people are the scum of the earth."
Nazi 2; " Whenever I see somebody smoking a cigarette I wanna smash it in their face, they really piss me off."

People in the smoke shack " Wow, look at the hateful looks those people are giving us."

Old Man in smoke shack: " Y'all wanna hear a funny story?"

Smoke Shack People; " Oh good!" "Another funny story."

Ols man; " I've known both of them for years." " Yall know I have nothing against pot but let me tell you that those two still smoke pot every night when they get home."

Smoke Shack people; " WHAT???" THEY SMOKE???"

OLd Man " Yes I know...it sounds crazy...but it's true." They consider it a herb and believe it's healthful." "They are actually taking in more tar and nicotine in one joint than i will by smoking a pack of cigarettes."

reformed dope dealer; Laughs and says " He's right and that aint all they do." " The old man knows because he used to smoke pot himself but gave it up years ago."

Old man: " I wish you would not tell that shit on me." "Yes it's true." " I smoked pt socially but gave it up when I got married." "it was damn lonely to be a single man on a Saturday night back then."
by Urbanized Hillbilly December 25, 2012