What you simply have to say to the overweight, psoriatic bitch in the office who takes crisps out of the packet individually, annoying everyone else in the building, instead of emptying them all out and turning ten minutes of irritating rattling into about 3 seconds.
Empty the fucking packet onto your table you fat ugly bitch. Better still, stop eating crisps altogether you hideous mountain of lard.
A midget at work who thinks its clever to have a cup of coffee every half an hour. Originally he had one every hour but when a colleague commented on his high caffeine intake he instantly decided to double it, desperately clutching at the opportunity to be thought of as something other than the office short arse.
Tracey: Ooh look Dave's going for another coffee. He's addicted.
Diddy Dave's thoughts: Great! If I carry on like this for a few years they'll all think of me as the hilarious coffee guy instead of the short-arsed loser I really am.