8 definitions by Monty Cornwall

Top Definition
A game played by members of the male homosexual community whereupon one gentleman inserts a super-sized gherkin or dill pickle spear into his anal cavity for the purposes of sexual arousal. After suitable pleasure has been gained, he returns the now super-spiced item to the jar whereupon its place is lost among the other standard pickles in the pot.

Upon later hosting his chosen bedfellow for a “tasty burger” before a night out at the Pink Palomino Club, he bastes both his own and his guest’s hamburger and buns with mustard, relish and fried onions before suggesting he brings an additional condiment to the table in the form of a potential arse pickle. The guessing game of whether or not one’s burger is “with arse spice” or “without” heightens the enjoyment of the meal and inevitably means that any back-door action enjoyed later in the evening is engaged in with extra gusto.

Arse Pickles - from the original Latin: analus condimentus extremus

“Say Heinz, you are one hot tamale, how do you fancy a night on the club scene this Saturday? Come over to my place and we can feast on fine burgers beforehand and even play Arse Pickles if you think you can handle the flavoursome treats I’m packin’.”

From the uncut video feature special entitled: “Heinz & Helmut Hit Hamburg With Hamsters”

“What ho Tarquin, m’lady has been withholding minge privileges for ten days now, my balls are as large as Seville oranges. What say you pop over before tea time for some cucumber sandwiches and a zesty game of Arse Pickles. That should put lead in both our pencils don’t you reckon old fruit?”

From the novel: I say vicar, my wife’s a stinker, I think I’ll try some bum-fun

by Monty Cornwall January 20, 2008

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The after effects of over-saucing your pizza slice with the zesty tasty sauce from Don Pepino can be seen in the form of a bright red coloured stool known as the Don Pepino poop.

Often sloppy in nature due to the accompaniment of pizza chilli flakes or jalapenos (or both), Don Pepino poop looks like someone has doused your whole colon with red paint before you squirt a deep ochre colour into the pan.
"Dude - I slopped half a jar or Don Pepino onto my Red Baron pizza last night. My shit is so red that I've made the toilet pan look like the Japanese flag!"

"I saw old fruit - I had a pleasant repast with the archbishop last evening and he served up pizza with extra sauce. I think the Don Pepino poop he'll be producing today could interrupt his sermon if he doesn't squirt liquid red torpedoes out of his bung-hole before he commences evensong."
by Monty Cornwall August 10, 2008

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A large volume of human excrement that 'fills the pan' and pokes up out of the water. So named as it resembles a dark chocolate version of the large bodies of ice that scatter the oceans in the polar regions. The majority of its bulk being underwater, a solid lump protrudes into clear air space and fills the room with its noxious odor.
"Dude, after that stack of wings and pizza last night, I just laid down an iceturd."

"Excuse me your honor, I'm unable to address parliament this afternoon, I have a desperate need to launch an iceturd upon the high seas." (taken from British prime minister Tony Blair's private diaries)
by Monty Cornwall November 16, 2007

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That particularly vicious yellow-green type of liquid shit that stings your ring piece with such ferocity that immediate submersion in water is needed to cool the pain. Often brought on by over indulgence in chilli and other types of hot food, this is the bile and acid left over from the gastric digestive juices that are designed to break down food within the protection of the stomach’s walls. As it exits from your own back door area you feel a pain guaranteed to make you scream and blubber with each gush.

From the Latin: Acidicus Extremus Rectalis
“Dude – I feasted on some hot wings last night that burned me bad on the way out. But after the normal turd session, I had a bout of shitacid that left me screaming like a baby. I think I ripped myself a wider slot back there for sure.”
From the original screenplay of “Dude, my ring is ringing”

“What ho Jeeves, I was due to play a round of badminton this afternoon with Field Marshall Mountbatten, but I fear a torrent of shitacid might be about to visit my back passage at any moment. What say you attend with us and bring a wad of damp towels with you in case I have to rip out a beastly stream at some stage during the game?”
From Jeeves & Wooster Play Shuttlecock and Balls
by Monty Cornwall December 25, 2007

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That thing you say when everything screws up and it's like first Brexit, then Trump... and now this!

Common usage as (phrasal verb): similar to total fuck up.
Dude 1: "Hey man, my car is jacked, my woman just left me, I have lost all my money and I have a bad case of stomach cramps after a really dodgy burrito last night... what the hell is going on in my life?"

Dude 2:" TrumpyBrexit man, it is what it is."
by Monty Cornwall January 22, 2017

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As in the colloquial usage of "hooped it". The act of balancing a volleyball, football or other inflatable object under ones buttocks while in a swimming pool.

Although giving the appearance and sensation of floating, the proponent runs the risk of opening his (or her) anus and "ingesting" the ball (or other object) into the colonic tract. Thus rendering the protagonist a "permanent floater" having hooped the ball.
Freakboy: "Dude, where's the damn volleyball? I wanna get on with the game!"

Hoopy-boy: "Man, I was floating on it and now it's gone. I think I hooped it!"
by Monty Cornwall May 31, 2008

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1. In the field of green herbal cigarettes, a doobie is a big ‘fat one’ of the hand-rolled variety.

“Och-aye Jock, sort out that doobie will ya? I need some herbal relaxant if I’m going to sit through your Best of the Proclaimers album again.”

2. A terms used to affectionately refer to the Emirate of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates, the term Doobie will often be used by former residents of Chelsea and Pimlico to refer to their new found home in the Gulf.

“I say Jemima, what about a round of drinks down at the yacht club before we waddle off down into Doobie for a few bottles of the old ‘falling down water’.”

3. Doobie – when used in its full form as “Doobie doobie doo” is the Frank Sinatra inspired line used by lounge performers to denote a freeform break in the music.

“Oh baby you are so fine, I wanna make you all mine, all mine, all of the time… Doobie doobie doo (repeat refrain…)
Examples for Doobie shown above.
by Monty Cornwall March 23, 2008

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