1 definition by Max Lucado

Top Definition
function: noun/slang

an uneducated religious enthusiast; one who disputes faith claims in theology based on what another unedicated religious enthusiast has said (even though they don't understand); one who reads the Holy Bible and claim to understand; one who makes a claim to know God or a god(s); someone way worse than an Evangelical Christian; a restrictive paradigm that disables (to some extent) reason, history, experience and tradition in order to come to terms with how much life sucks
Carl said, "Do you think that God could be a woman? Or maybe God's a blob of hamburger.
"Uh," Kevin the fundy said, "God is our Father."
"Why do you have to capitalize Father," Carl said, "when you talk about God."
"Cuz HE's GOD," Kevin said.
Carl said, "god god god god god."
"Don't," said Kevin irrationally, "It's God, not god. And He loves you."
"Oh yeah?" Kevin said, "Then how can a loving god send someone to hell?"
Carl replied piously, "Because Jesus loves you that much. He died on the cross so that you might live forever."
"Fuck that!"
"I love you, Carl," Kevin said. "I don't want to see you do the wrong thing; go to hell, you know?"
"god god god god god... I fucked jesus in the ass!" Carl screamed. "Kevin, do you ever think that your devotion to God has anything to do with the fact that there is nothing of substance inside you, that you're shallow?"
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Kevin protested.

And Carl went to hell... and sucked Hitler's titty... and got hairs in his teeth... and was kind of irritated for the first week... then he was like, "Ghandi? Is that you?" And Ghandi was all, "Yeah, bitch. Turns out the uneducated sonsubitches were right." Carl said, "Luck of the draw, I guess." "Indeed," Ghandi replied. Rodney Dangerfield said, "I went to the lake, and asked JFK if he wanted to take a dip with me and Joan of Arc. He hopped in and i said, 'Hey, hot enough for ya?' Joan of Arc said, 'I've had worse.'"

The moral of the story is, God loves you if God can control you.
by Max Lucado October 13, 2004

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