Apple's revolutionary new sanitary napkin device for females. The iPad senses when it's that time of the month and automatically sends a message to a pre-programmed phone number, letting your man know that he's not getting sex tonight. Sensors tuned in to your brainwaves can accurately forecast your mood up to 12 hours in advance, automatically queueing up The Notebook in your Netflix video on demand while simultaneously ordering chocolate to be delivered to your front door.
Forget tampons. Try the iPad today!
Andre: ...it was seriously the biggest fish I have ever caught dude - hang on I got a text. Oh fuck.
Tim: What's going on today?
Andre: I just got a message from my wife's iPad. It's forecasting her mood as "Nazi bitch".
Tim: Dude, I would not want to be you.
Andre: Yeah, can I spend the night on your couch?
What happens to 12-year-old girls at the sudden appearance of Robert Pattinson.
John: How was your daughter's birthday last weekend?
Bob: It was going great, until the preview for that Twilight movie came on. She had an instantaneous orgasm.
John: Your daughter?
Bob: Her and my wife.
When an author gets revenge on someone they hate by inserting them into a book and making them a horrible person.
Named after Michael Crichton
, who put one of his critics into his next book and made him into a baby rapist with a small penis.
In Crichton's defense, the critic was a toolbag
Laura: Hi, remember me? You used to mock me back in Junior High.
Gwen: Yeah, so what?
Laura: I published a book and decided to feature you as a character. You have a mustache, saggy tits, and you're romantically interested in sheep.
Gwen: Aw, shit!
Laura: You've been Michael Crichton'd, bitch!
A literary device in which a writer inserts a real-life person into their book in a very unflattering way. To ward off a potential lawsuit, the writer gives the character an unfavorable attribute, typically a small penis. That way, the real-life person is unlikely to protest his characterization, because by doing so he would be admitting that he has a small penis.
Shirley had always hated Officer John Lyons, ever since he'd slept with her mother. To get revenge, when she published her latest book one of the minor characters was a man named Officer Jon Lions.
Officer Lions had trouble with the ladies because of his small penis and the fact that he could only stay hard by watching beastiality porn.
Officer Lyons wanted to sue, but couldn't bring himself to do so because everyone on the force would then know he had a small penis.
Once again, the small penis rule worked perfectly.
A 13-year-old singer who knows the order of the days of the week.
Albert: Dude, I'm so glad that tomorrow's Saturday.
Marshall: I know, and the day after that is Sunday!
Marshall: And yesterday is Thursday!
Marshall: And today is Friday!
Albert: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Marshall: I just learned it from that Rebecca Black song about fried eggs!
Marshall: Damn, I want some cereal.