Professor Simon J. Futtbucker's definitions

Shitstachio

When you are eating pistachios and invariably one goes in your mouth that tastes like a bucket of shit. Aka, a 'bad' one.

"Ughh! Aghhh!" Cries Mickey, spitting out green fragments.
"Garsh," Said Goofy. "What happened Mick?"
"Eeeeew. I was eating pistachios and suddenly one of them tasted... well, like shit!" said Mickey frowning.
"More like 'Shitstachios'!" Laughed Goofy.

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker July 7, 2025

elevator popcorn

When you let out a long, silent fart in a crowded elevator. You wait until the elevator door closes and then say, "Hey, does anyone smell popcorn?" You smile as you hear everyone in the elevator inhale through their nostrils in unison.

Goofy: "Hey, Mick-- Garsh, what's so funny?"
Mickey: "Huh, huh! I was riding in an elevator full of people and served up some hot, Elevator Popcorn!"

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker November 19, 2018

Underwear Kisses

A Navy buddy of mine, Don Armstrong (RIP buddy) had terrible hemorrhoids-- they would bleed and make perfect doll-sized kiss marks inside his underwear.

Don's Wife: "Don! You sick fuck! Did you pay a midget to wear lipstick and kiss your goddamn underwear?"
Don: "No honey... those are from my hemorrhoids."
Don's Wife: "... you mean this is actually... blood?"
Don: "It's best to think of them as Underwear Kisses."

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker August 3, 2018

robohomo

One who sucks off robotic penises, until their mouths and other connected organs are filled to capacity with white, voluminous, vapored jizz. They then expel the electronic love fluids out of their mouth and nose into the paths of bystanders or out of their car windows, in a celebration of milking chrome, illuminated automaton cocks until they repeat the cycle a few seconds later.

(Walking through a cloud of expelled, digital spooge) "Cough, cough! Go suck your robot's cock somewhere else, you fucking robohomo!" ~ His Highness, the Dalai Lama

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker August 12, 2019

droopie goldberg

When you are having wild sex and are about to pop, you think of anything, absolutely anything to take your mind away from sex. Then you imagine Whoopie Goldberg's 'sex face' and your dick immediately becomes soft, like one of those marshmallow chicks you get during Easter.

Minnie: "Harder Mickey, harder!"
Mickey: "Oooops! I shouldn't have thought of Whoopie Goldberg."
Minnie: "... more like 'Droopie Goldberg' you fucking loser."

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker November 24, 2018

Shit Tag

A fun game, where if you know you are about to have an especially revolting shit, you enclose your phone in a zip-lock bag and leave it in the bathroom you just destroyed. Close the door behind you and begin complaining that you can't find your phone. A friend or family member will eventually dial it, hear it in the bathroom and will be so smug to discover it's location that they'll just barge in to grab it, violating their nostrils when they enter.

Daughter: (gagging) "I found your phone! Why is it in a plastic bag?"
You: Shit Tag! You're it!

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker September 19, 2020

dirtless-sanchez

When you walk past a dispenser of alcohol sanitizing agent, you squirt a nice amount into your hand and then slap it across your mark's face, yelling, "Dirtless-Sanchez!"

They can't be too pissed off, after all, you just cleaned their lips for them.

Goofy, spitting nails: "That fuck'in Mickey-- he done got me agin!"
Donald: "What did that goddamn rat do this time?"
Goofy: Well, when I was just walking into the Disney store, Mickey filled his hand with sanitizing gel and slapped it across my face! Then he yelled, 'Dirtless-Sanchez!'"
Donald: "I know! It burned my fucking beak for a full day!"

by Professor Simon J. Futtbucker March 13, 2021