Monkey's Dad's definitions

The Rifle Tower

America's answer to France's Eiffel Tower, our national phallus. Unlike the Eiffel, this monument to cultural pride is fluid in its location, arising in Newtown, El Paso, Parkland, Orlando, Las Vegas and who-knows-where next, making it easy for foreign tourists to get a taste of our country's zest for a liberty that shall not be infringed.

Jacques, he send me une Carte Postale from Etats Unis, photo only of guy in a cap rouge, Making America Great, holding straight up, his erection shape like AR-15, The Rifle Tower. From cold dead fingers we will take it? Non merci. Mon Dieu.

by Monkey's Dad September 9, 2019

Remembership Drive

The futile urge to recall the "toll-free" number - is there another kind anymore? - which the announcers manning the membership drive on Public Radio have repeated several dozen times in the past few seconds and which, as a result, refuses to be recalled.

Let's see... 888... something something... why do I have such low remembership drive for that number, even though it is toll-free?

by Monkey's Dad September 11, 2019

Minotaurectomy

Procedure to remove a man's bullheaded virility, performed by a female, using a few choice words.

Seeing him snort and paw the ground, while angling his horns in her direction, she was planning tonight's minotaurectomy, which would preferably be non-surgical, but hey.

by Monkey's Dad January 5, 2020

backsided compliment

A signal of mutual attraction, directed to a man by a woman, as she turns away and very subtly angles her hips and derriere.

Knowing his eyes were on her, she turned to give him a fleeting but unmistakable backsided compliment.

by Monkey's Dad January 5, 2020

Naybe

Nay, disguised as Maybe, used when you mean "absolutely not" and don't have the courage to say it.

I told him naybe when he asked me out. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but how much clearer can I make it?

by Monkey's Dad January 7, 2020

Call me Phishmail

The opening line of a disarmingly transparent effort to get your SSN, passwords and credit card number.

Never read Moby Dick? Then call me Phishmail. Impress your friends 'cause absolutely free I'll give you my lightning tutorial on Melville's massive classic. Just click here.

by Monkey's Dad January 19, 2020

Star Spangled Boner

The never-released 1981 porn flick starring John Holmes as President Ronald Reagan, screened privately every Fourth of July for a handful of top-tier Republicans at The Bohemian Grove, their tightly-guarded summer enclave in the Northern California Redwoods.

He'd figured it was an urban legend, but there it was, July 4th in the Grove's outdoor amphitheater, "Star Spangled Boner".

by Monkey's Dad March 25, 2020