Monkey's Dad's definitions

The Rifle Tower

America's answer to France's Eiffel Tower, our national phallus. Unlike the Eiffel, this monument to cultural pride is fluid in its location, arising in Newtown, El Paso, Parkland, Orlando, Las Vegas and who-knows-where next, making it easy for foreign tourists to get a taste of our country's zest for a liberty that shall not be infringed.

Jacques, he send me une Carte Postale from Etats Unis, photo only of guy in a cap rouge, Making America Great, holding straight up, his erection shape like AR-15, The Rifle Tower. From cold dead fingers we will take it? Non merci. Mon Dieu.

by Monkey's Dad September 9, 2019

Remembership Drive

The futile urge to recall the "toll-free" number - is there another kind anymore? - which the announcers manning the membership drive on Public Radio have repeated several dozen times in the past few seconds and which, as a result, refuses to be recalled.

Let's see... 888... something something... why do I have such low remembership drive for that number, even though it is toll-free?

by Monkey's Dad September 11, 2019

Psychlorama

A large pictorial representation of a sufferer's inner life, encircling the patient and often having real objects - ie; other people, as a foreground.

No matter how clearly her shrink explained that it was only a Psychlorama, the patient increasingly believed that what she was seeing was the actual world.

by Monkey's Dad October 16, 2019

Cellphcentered

A common state of being in which a person's life is directed toward and extracted from their cellphone, to the exclusion of actual experience.

She's so cellphcentered she can't take a shower without the freakin' thing in her hand. From the shower, tripping down the stairs, getting honked at while crossing the street, eyes on her phone, she's like, having dinner with tonight's guy she met through her cellphone, covertly staring at the same cellphone in her lap as she swipes right on the next three guys and sends breakup texts to the last three. Ask her the color of tonight's date's eyes, I dare you.

by Monkey's Dad October 22, 2019

#MeToobin

The firing of Jeffrey Toobin, who committed an indiscretion, not an assault, from his position as staff writer at The New Yorker, after 27 years.

The legitimacy of the #MeToo movement gave rise to possible excesses of caution and political correctness, culminating in #MeToobin. At a critical moment, when his talents and insights were needed, it was hard to say who was served by his dismissal.

by Monkey's Dad November 12, 2020

rounding the coroner

As you are wheeled through the morgue, passing the doctor who is filling out "Covid-19" as your cause of death.

Having believed that the coronavirus was 'under control", that it would "disappear like magic", that wearing masks was for liberal wimps and that we were "rounding the corner", you were in fact only rounding the coroner. Under 'pre-existing condition' he filled in "believing a president who cared about no one but himself and nothing but his self-aggrandizement".

by Monkey's Dad November 15, 2020

I never thought I'd be saying this

A phrase often heard as 2020 nears its end and people are forced to acknowledge some very strange things.

To have the family home for Thanksgiving would be suicidal, and I never thought I'd be saying this.

I never thought I'd be saying this, but we came within an inch of losing our democracy.

by Monkey's Dad November 19, 2020