Monkey's Dad's definitions

Cellphie

A photograph of one's self made with a cell phone, ie; almost any selfie.

Whether in front of the Hollywood sign or the Mona Lisa, her iPhone 11 was poised, ready on moment's notice to make another of her trademark cellphies.

by Monkey's Dad October 9, 2019

Like

By the year 2050, the sole remaining word in spoken English - a language once said to comprise 171,476 words, in a mode of communication once ubiquitous, then common, then, like, whatever. It was deemed, like, for real? and finally supplanted by enthusiastically written English, ie: texted abbreviations and emojis.

He was, like, 2050? and I'm like, what? and he went, like, the, like, single, like, remaining word in, like, whoa, and I'm, like, whatever

by Monkey's Dad October 13, 2019

Hemoji

1) Spotted almost as frequently as Bigfoot: a small, brightly-colored visual feature, used by men while texting, in place of actual words.

Bill broke up with Susie using the only hemojis he could think of - a pair of scissors and a trash can.

by Monkey's Dad September 1, 2019

Sexclamation point !!!

A gender-revealing punctuation mark! Used frequently, often in multiples and almost exclusively by females!!! (Men, in contrast, end a sentence with a single piece of punctuation, usually a period or question mark.)

The female attraction to this piece of punctuation is probably entirely unconscious. The mark - ! - is a clear pictogram of a woman's 'private parts', a vertical orifice above a circular one.

Using it to end almost any string of words is a statement of the sender's sexuality, conveying a subliminal ; "Look what I possess!!!"!!!!!

The detective suspected that the note - "Back soon! I'm shopping for fancy soap and scented candles!" - with its mystifying sexclamation point !!!, could possibly have been written by a woman.

by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019

Schmogul

A highly successful, powerful person who has somehow remained a jerk.

Check out the schmogul at the corner table. Yes, that's really him, and yes, he's eating sushi with a fork.

by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019

Ianaj

The murmured protestation of a woman being served an artfully prepared late-morning breakfast, in bed, with a monogrammed sterling spoon, under a velvet blanket, by a man whose one goal in life is her pleasure and comfort, meant to convey the disclaimer: "I am not a Jap".

Ianaj - obviously you have never known a real one - please bring me my glasses... turn the fan slightly toward the window... my phone... and what time is it?

by Monkey's Dad September 3, 2019

rantlers

Multi-pronged offensive weapons projecting from the cranium of a male who has something to say, and say again, and then expound upon, at length and in detail, with increasing volume, until his adversaries, and even those who might under gentler circumstances have agreed with him, are driven toward quieter pastures.

He came out of the theater sharpening his rantlers, so aggrieved by the multitude of sins - factual, artistic, moral, narrative, historic, cultural, - committed by the new Tarantino film - the sheer misdirection, when there had been so much to be made from the basic elements of the story, the irredeemable irrelevance of every central character and most of the secondary characters, wasted plots twists galore, to no advantage, gratuitously altered realities, that interminable shot in the second act which had no place in the mise-en-scene...

by Monkey's Dad September 8, 2019