Monkey's Dad's definitions

Christian Nationalist

The self-description of any person who cannot understand the separation of Church and State upon which the United States is constitutionally constructed. A person who does not understand that the United States is equally founded on the guarantee of freedom of religion for all people. A person such as... say... Marjorie Taylor Greene? Yup.

"We need to be the party of nationalism and I'm a Christian Nationalist, and I say it proudly," said Marjorie Taylor Greene, once again demonstrating her intellectual capabilities. Her self-avowal follows her claim that Christian nationalism will solve school shootings and "sexual immorality" in America.

by Monkey's Dad July 28, 2022

Sexclamation point !!!

A gender-revealing punctuation mark! Used frequently, often in multiples and almost exclusively by females!!! (Men, in contrast, end a sentence with a single piece of punctuation, usually a period or question mark.)

The female attraction to this piece of punctuation is probably entirely unconscious. The mark - ! - is a clear pictogram of a woman's 'private parts', a vertical orifice above a circular one.

Using it to end almost any string of words is a statement of the sender's sexuality, conveying a subliminal ; "Look what I possess!!!"!!!!!

The detective suspected that the note - "Back soon! I'm shopping for fancy soap and scented candles!" - with its mystifying sexclamation point !!!, could possibly have been written by a woman.

by Monkey's Dad September 2, 2019

hypoinsomnichondriac

A person who lies awake worrying about all the maladies, disorders and syndromes they may have, present and future.

The messages flooded in at bedtime, from her brother, her cousin - who was a doctor, mind you - studies and statistics forwarded by so many well-intentioned friends, warning of sicknesses which awaited her, if she didn't already have symptoms, which she suddenly realized she probably did have, recommendations for pills, and more pills, changes in diet, which, omg, she vowed to try, promising another sleepless night as a hypoinsomnichondriac.

by Monkey's Dad April 19, 2020

99-43-28-14

The number of days it took the United States to add one million cases of Covid-19 to its total. 99 for the first million, 43 for the second, 28 for the third, 14 days for the fourth million, the fruits of heedlessly 're-opening'.

He stared at the numbers. 99-43-28-14. Not a football play. Not the combination to a safe. It was the exponential, viral spread of the disease. He understood that they could reasonably expect the next million cases to accrue in a week.

by Monkey's Dad July 22, 2020

Social-distance Drinker

Someone who only drinks alone.

For years he had only drunk in company, politely, and certainly had never taken a drink by himself, one of the warning signs of alcoholism, or so he had read. Now though... now it was different. Alone all day and night in his apartment, evening couldn't come fast enough as he looked forward to his first glass of wine, and his fourth, a social-distance drinker for the new era.

by Monkey's Dad April 3, 2020

deprestidigitation

Depression, when the magic goes out of digital life.

She had been enthralled with Facetime, Zoom, texts and emails, yet now was overwhelmed with deprestidigitation, yearning for a touch, a smile, eye-contact, the unfiltered sound of a loving voice.

by Monkey's Dad April 2, 2020

one foot on the boat, one on the dock

The delusion of stability, an instant before everything goes to hell.

The deal was set, he'd committed to buy, still not sure when his financing would be approved, but hey, if you have one foot on the boat, one on the dock, what can go wrong?

by Monkey's Dad April 24, 2023