McCririck's unlucky Laundress's definitions

plastic paddy

Noun: Term of abuse for someone who feigns being Irish when convenient. E.g. An entirely British person who in 1994, on realising that England had not made it to the soccer World Cup, had no one to cheer for and found green blood in their veins for as long as Republic of Ireland were still in with a chance.

What happened to your England shirt, you plastic paddy?
No, I'm Irish. Honest.
On which side?
Err... both. My Mum's cousin's got an Irish setter and my Dad was conceived in the County Kilburn. Guinness spritzer with a dash of Baileys please barman, cheers. Bejazus!

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

stupidity tax

Noun: The UK National Lottery.

"God! Is that the time? Got to get to the shop and pay my stupidity tax."
"You'd be better off putting it on the 2nd favourite of the first horse race of every Saturday; buying premium bonds or even sticking the pound coins in a biscuit tin under the bed."
"I know, I know but I've been playing these same numbers for years now and if they came up I'd kick myself."
"I logged on to this website that explained how Lotto is a big swindle controlled by Freemasons who are anti-gambling and the number ball machine is rigged to give certain numbers."
"AAAGH! You bastard! You've made me late now! You wait, I bet my bloody numbers come up."

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

sausage muncher

Noun: a German person. kraut fritz squarehead.

All my material fell flatter than a witches tit last night - there was a big crowd of sausage munchers in - and now they've taken all the sun loungers.

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

Shed

Noun, singular or collective: A chain (or single branch of a chain) of large DIY warehouse shops occupying ugly, aircraft-hangar-like buildings - sheds. Wickes, Homebase, B&Q are sheds.

That little ironmongers on the corner didn't have one.
You'll have to go to one of the sheds then.
Yeah, but they'll only sell me a packet of 20 and charge me an arm and a leg.

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

The costumes were great!

An insulting comment on a theatrical production, disguised as a compliment.

"Dwaaahhling!!! So glad you made it! What did you think of the show?"
"Oh uh...wow! The costumes were great! Where did you hire them?"
Subtext: the acting was wooden; no one knew their lines; I kept looking at my watch. It was a sack of pig shit.

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

NW Twee

Proper noun: Hampstead. An area of North West London covered by postcode area NW3. Hampstead is populated largely by moneyed liberals, champagne socialists and aged ex-hippies which results in taste and style choices that are annoyingly twee. NW3 + twee = NW Twee.
Pronounced 'enn double you twee'.

"Tarquin and I are torn between renaming him 'Life' and 'Cactus'. It needs to be something that expresses his masculinity yet - bugger! He's puked his yak cheese and aniseed brûlé all over my pashmina shawl."
"Bloody hell Saskya, you're so NW Twee!"

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005

Bois de Colliers

Proper noun: Pretentious form of Colliers Wood, a naff suburb of south west London. Pronounced with a perfect French accent (bwa de coll-yay) and used in a mocking way about people who live there and overrate the place. See also Croùch End, Battercia, Pengé.

"You're from Wimbledon? My English friend lives in Bois de Colliers! Maybe you know her."
"Actually, I never mix with fatuous, social-climbing champagne socialists.

by McCririck's unlucky Laundress October 2, 2005