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Jamie Douglas's definitions

first mate

The second in command on a ship (I know).

The person most likely to stab the captain in the back, which is ironic as he should be his closest confidant.
Captain Barbosa was second in command as first mate of the Black Pearl before stabbing his captain Jack Sparrow in the back and taking the ship for his own.
by Jamie Douglas December 6, 2006
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full frontal lobotomy

A full frontal lobotomy is a form of psychosurgery. It consists of cutting the connections to and from, or simply destroying, the prefrontal cortex. This brain region has been implicated in planning complex cognitive behaviours, personality expression and moderating correct social behavior.

These procedures often result in major personality changes. Lobotomies have been used in the past to treat a wide range of mental illnesses including schizophrenia, clinical depression, and various anxiety disorders.

Celebrities who have had this procedure include Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest, golfer Jack Nicklaus, Prince William and President George W Bush.

The distinguishing mark of someone who has had a full frontal lobotomy is a nice pair of scars around the temples. The survival rate of the operation was vastly increased after the discovery of the lead pipe, which could be used to knock patients unconscious before the operation and meant surgery was no longer performed on people who were awake.

The full frontal lobotomy has long been criticized by the medical profession, as many are repulsed at the idea of destroying healthy tissue. The procedure while seemingly barbaric has been found particularly effective in controlling politicians.

Tesco began offering full frontal lobotomies with a four pack of tinned spaghetti in 1999.
"Let's go to the supermarket for some pasta and a full frontal lobotomy."

Patient: "Doctor I received this injury while drinking last night."
Doctor: "That seems to be an unidentified drinking injury. The only known cure is a full frontal lobotomy."

Jimmy's Mum: "Jimmy, you've hardly said a word since your lobotomy."
Jimmy: "Mhhwuahhg."
by Jamie Douglas November 23, 2006
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cattle market

A nightclub frequented by women of low standard who are out to show off there wares in the hope of a sly grope or of making out. These women are normally over 40 or under 18, and most would be mistaken for hookers if they were seen in natural light.

A cattle market is the sort of place that male first year undergraduate students at university go all the time in an effort to get their end away, but this invariably results in the guilty boys leaving the venue with an itch.

The term derives because the women in these clubs are essentially showing themselves off in the hope of being taken home, just as cattle are shown off at cattle markets in the hope of being sold.
Bill: "Let's go down Icon and Diva!"
Pete: "We can't go there, it's a right cattle market!"

"Ooh, I was in Creation last night and pulled this slapper - now I have an itch! Serves me right for visiting such a cattle market!"

"Let's go down to Gatecrasher - I hear it's a real cattle market down there!"
by Jamie Douglas January 6, 2007
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renaissance man

An individual talented in all spheres of human endeavour, including but not limited to sports, art, science, war, philosophy and music.

Some renaissance men of great repute include Leonardo Da Vinci and Goethe.

If you try and think of examples of Renaissance men, remember that it is not enough that they have brilliant minds (hence Einstein is out), nor is it enough that they are fine sportsmen (hence no Carl Lewis) or are well hung and virile (so no Shergar) and nor is it sufficient that they are musically gifted (so we omit Beethoven). It is a requirement that they are talented in ALL these areas.

I myself am a renaissance man, as I am a fine athelete, an excellent scholar, have an ear for music a talent for art and a way with the ladies.
#1: "What talent that young Douglas lad has!"
#2: "True, he is gifted at sports, academia and the arts."
#1: "Yes, he's a true renaissance man!"

Man: "Hey baby, wanna get a drink - I'm a real renaissance man!"
Woman: "Ooooh, OK!"
by Jamie Douglas December 1, 2006
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margarine legs

n. Slapper

"Cheap and easily spread."
Scott: "Hey Phil, have you seen the new girl Tracy?"
Phil: "Yeah Scott, but I hear she's got real margarine legs!"
by Jamie Douglas September 30, 2006
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friday @ 5

A time of week, originating from mathematicians in the northern town of Sheffield, when all pens must be dropped, all PC's powered down and the weekend must kick in.

friday @ 5 must be accompanied by beer drinking, music playing, bar snack munching and general chat about anything but work.

Acceptable topics of conversation include movies, art, sport, music, politics, travel, family, science, literature, food & drink, etc..
It's friday @ 5, what a thrill! Beer and chat, hooray!
by Jamie Douglas February 24, 2007
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bendy bum

n. Homosexual. In reference to ........... the fact the person in question is ......... bent, and in the case of men ........ take it up the ....... (can you guess what it is yet) ......... (have a go) .......... (that's right) ....... bum!
John: "Turns out Sam takes it up the back passage."
Wayne: "Yeah, I always thought he was a bendy bum."
by Jamie Douglas September 11, 2006
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