Hammer of Jesus's definitions

textjob

The act of placing ones cellular device onto their genitalia, followed by a person sending repeated text messages, until the recipient of the textjob reaches sexual climax. Has been known to cause damage to cell phones when performed carelessly.

Jim: Man, Dave was really pissed after I banged his wife. He wouldn't stop texting me, so I threw my phone in my pocket and he gave me a textjob!

Todd: Nice dude! Now Dave and his wife have made you bust a nut!

by Hammer of Jesus June 28, 2017

Fumming

The simultaneous occurrence of flatulence and ejaculation. Particularly common among the elderly who have weak bowel and penile control.

Jenny: Mom! Grandpa is fumming all over the place again!

Karen: Well, grab some towels and start cleaning him up!

Jenny: Ewwwww! I don’t wanna clean up grandpa’s nasty fum! It stinks!

Karen: Shut the fuck up and clean your grandpa’s fum or you’re grounded!

by Hammer of Jesus March 2, 2020

power penis

A phallus of immense girth, length, and/or strength. Wielders as well as recipients must exercise extreme caution.

Sally was completely destroyed by Ralph’s power penis. Her funeral is tomorrow.

by Hammer of Jesus January 19, 2019

heinous anus gayness

A situation involving heavy sexual deviance of the rectum amid a furious homosexual encounter.

Bob: I heard Frank had to get reconstructive surgery on his asshole after spending an evening with Don.

Gerald: Just one night? Damn, there must have been seriously heinous anus gayness afoot.

by Hammer of Jesus August 17, 2019

Devil's kiss

The Devil's kiss is the heinous action of the tip of one's penis making contact with the cold porcelain of the inside of a public toilet.

I went to take a shit in the strip club bathroom, where I was unpleasantly surprised by the icy cold sensation of the Devil's kiss. Now it burns when I pee. Thanks, Satan.

by Hammer of Jesus August 10, 2017

national dick sucking day iii

The third occasion of National Dick Sucking Day, occurring on October 12th every year.

Ron: Man, I sure gobbled a whole shitload of knobs on National Dick Sucking Day III.

Abe: Same bro. I love celebrating all of the 365 non-consecutive and independent occurrences of National Dick Sucking Day every year!

by Hammer of Jesus April 14, 2019

boner queso

A synonym for smegma. Sometimes used specifically to describe dick cheese belonging to a person of hispanic origin.

Armando: Duuuude have you seen how much boner queso Jose has? You could make a quesadilla with that shit.

Carlos: Nah mang, I'm not really into checking out other dudes dick cheese status.

by Hammer of Jesus April 5, 2017