Hammer of Jesus's definitions

fartjob

A fartjob is a sexual act in which one particularly flatulent individual fully inserts their partners penis into their rectum. No thrusting is involved in a fartjob, otherwise it it simply farty anal sex. Instead, one remains idle sitting on their partners dick, and stimulates to completion using only the vibration of flatulence.

Chet: So my neighbors had me over for dinner, after I had them for burrito night at my place.

Jörg: You sneaky bastard! I see where this is going.

Chet: Yeah after a few drinks Mrs. Steinwald moved from her husbands lap over to mine and my dick was already out.

Jörg: Nice! Mexican food the night before really seals the deal. Was her husband suspicious?

Chet: Not at all! Once she finished the fartjob, Mr. Steinwald plopped right down on my dick for fartjob round 2!

by Hammer of Jesus October 29, 2018

dusty bumper

A dusty bumper is the action of falling ass-first into the dirt while ones pants are around their ankles. Common during rowdy outdoor sex and defecating in the woods. If the latter is the cause of the dusty bumper, one may walk away with a rusty bumper.

Earl: Last night, I was beatin' cheeks with Becky in them woods right behind my trailer, when i tripped over a stob and gave myself a dusty bumper!

Jim-Bob: Well hell yeah brother, than poon is totally worth it! Fuckin' ain't nuthin' if she ain't yer cousin! Yeeeehaw!!

by Hammer of Jesus August 4, 2017

Devil's kiss

The Devil's kiss is the heinous action of the tip of one's penis making contact with the cold porcelain of the inside of a public toilet.

I went to take a shit in the strip club bathroom, where I was unpleasantly surprised by the icy cold sensation of the Devil's kiss. Now it burns when I pee. Thanks, Satan.

by Hammer of Jesus August 10, 2017

shit pissing faggot

One who is so gay, that their butthole is nearly always filled with penises, dildos, cucumbers, etc. As a result of constant anal blockage, their physical anatomy has changed to allow feces to be expelled from the urethra as an alternate route. This change is what results in a shit pissing faggot.

Mary: You know, our neighbor Todd has been growing eggplants for years, and he’s never given us one!

Bill: That’s because Todd is a god damn shit pissing faggot. They all go up his ass.

Mary: I had no idea! How do you know, honey?

Bill: You didn’t notice the strange aftertaste when he invited us over for eggplant parmigiana??

by Hammer of Jesus June 12, 2018

power penis

A phallus of immense girth, length, and/or strength. Wielders as well as recipients must exercise extreme caution.

Sally was completely destroyed by Ralph’s power penis. Her funeral is tomorrow.

by Hammer of Jesus January 19, 2019

Order in the court

The act of using one’s penis as a makeshift gavel to strike a surface. One must loudly exclaim “ORDER IN THE COURT” as they strike said surface.

“Order in the court!” Bill shouted.

Bill brought so much order to Steve’s court that Steve was knocked unconscious.

by Hammer of Jesus January 29, 2019

SEBS

An acronym for Sudden Extreme Boner Syndrome. SEBS may occur due to a sudden high volume of stimulation, or occasionally no apparent reason at all. Unfortunate recipients of SEBS often experience pain, rupturing of clothing in the crotch, among other unpleasantries.

Stacy was going down on Chad, when Chad suddenly thought about Stacy’s mom and immediately contracted SEBS. His powerful erection broke the sound barrier and punched a hole in Stacy’s skull. Stacy’s mom heard the sonic boom from downstairs and immediately knew that SEBS had just lobotomized her daughter.

by Hammer of Jesus February 5, 2019