Grant Rampus's definitions

Divorce vows

The vows the divorcing couple make to each other with hopes of a cordial post-marriage relationship. Awash in disillusion, not unlike with marriage vows, the couple untying the knot make promises of paying child support regularly, not switching weekends without notice, embracing new spouses, etc.

The divorce vows Rick and Cindy made to each other lasted about 3 months, approximately the same time as marriage vows last before disintegrating into reality.

by Grant Rampus February 7, 2021

Ice heat defeat

When you are self-treating a minor sprain and cannot remember if you apply ice first, then heat. Or heat than ice. Further complicated by the fact no one really knows no matter who you ask.

Jimmy applied ice to his sprained wrist then a heat pad. Then he applied the heat pad, then ice. He was covering his bases because he was trapped in the ice heat defeat.

by Grant Rampus November 25, 2019

Sell the dream, live the nightmare

The mantra of every salesperson alive, they promise the client unachievable results if they just sign on the line. Once the dream is sold, the operations team then needs to unravel the web of deceit sold and "recalibrate" the client's expectations (i.e., the nightmare).

Todd: " How did we lose our biggest client last week?"

Tyler: "It seems once they talked with Operations they realized there was no way they could make that deadline. Another classic example of 'sell the dream, live the nightmare."

by Grant Rampus July 31, 2016

Line-dick

The asshole in line at the counter of a convenience store who is oblivious to the growing line of customers behind them, while they continue to purchase more lottery tickets. Usually white trash as the main culprit, second place offenders are retirees. Problem amplified on pay day/social security check day.

What took you so long to get a loaf of bread?

Sorry, some line-dick was on a roll with scratch tickets.

by Grant Rampus July 11, 2016

Second Wife

Chronologically, the marital partner between first and third wives. Not to be confused with the hot chick at the office your current wife accuses you of wanting to bang (aka office wife). Historically, the second wife is the rebound relationship after dissolution of the first marriage and often your first wife’s best friend. Known in your friend circle as the chick who is blessed with heavenly fucking skills but also a nanny for your shared custody of your kids. General life shelf of the second wife is 5-7 years though this time frame can be extended if she comes equipped with a trust fund or unplanned inheritance.

After his divorce from his first wife, Tim was in need of someone to cart his kids around when he had them every other weekend, clean his apartment, and have sex when the mood hit. Tim was in need of a second wife.

by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019

Cigarette distance

The unit of measurement that smokers use between destinations to determine if they should light up a cigarette, with the reasonable certainty it will be smoked by the time they arrive. White trash only use this measurement when giving directions to other white trash.

Jimmy to his common law wife: How far is the Walmart from the bar?

Common law wife to Jimmy: the cigarette distance is about 3 cigarettes.

by Grant Rampus February 15, 2019

Child support payment

The monthly reminder of the poor choice you made to procreate with the delusional bitch who claims poverty, while simultaneously driving a BMW. A monthly financial obligation that rarely makes its way to actuallysupporting your children, the child support payment is synonymous with the 7-year car loan: a necessary evil you count down every month until it's no longer. Or you drop dead from the realization you'll be making these payments for years. Whichever comes first.

Loan officer: Sorry, but your child support payment has turned your debt-to-income ratio upside down and we cannot offer you a mortgage. Or a new car. Or anything that requires repayment.

by Grant Rampus July 6, 2016