Grant Rampus's definitions
The vows the divorcing couple make to each other with hopes of a cordial post-marriage relationship. Awash in disillusion, not unlike with marriage vows, the couple untying the knot make promises of paying child support regularly, not switching weekends without notice, embracing new spouses, etc.
The divorce vows Rick and Cindy made to each other lasted about 3 months, approximately the same time as marriage vows last before disintegrating into reality.
by Grant Rampus February 7, 2021
Get the Divorce vowsmug. What most celebrities and professional athletes have to embark upon after disgracing their families, co-workers, etc. for very bad personal decisions. Standouts include sleeping with the nanny or crashing your car while on a cocktail of fentanyl and cocaine. Playbook calls for an immediate retreat to a treatment center where you emerge 30 days later with a bible in hand.
This year’s #1 NFL draft pick was missing from society for 30 days, until last Tuesday when he emerged from Our Lady of Miraculous Recovery Treatment Center, bible in hand. Beginning his apology tour, he stepped up to the podium he began to thank those that helped him and was truly sorry for those he hurt during his recent car crash (high on cocaine) with the half-dressed nanny in the passenger seat.
by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023
Get the Apology tourmug. The appropriate distance one must live from their in-laws so they can tolerate them. General rule of thumb is just far enough so they can't drop by unannounced.
When looking at new houses, Rick had to tactfully remind his new wife that the appropriate distance-in-law in that state was no less than 75 miles.
by Grant Rampus August 31, 2016
Get the Distance-in-lawmug. The only retail establishment that starts out in bankruptcy. Within 30 days of opening, there will be a teenager standing roadside in front of the furniture store holding a sign that states they are having a “going out of business sale” and all furniture must go, prices up to 70% off.
Hey Jim, I’m heading out to look at leather couches at that new furniture store on Route 1. Is that kid out front yet holding the going out of business sale, or has it not been 30 days yet?
by Grant Rampus November 11, 2019
Get the Furniture storemug. Unlike the sanctity of the traditional high holidays, the Hallmark Holiday was invented by the executives of the Hallmark corporation to increase quarterly sales. Generally agreed upon to include Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and essentially any pseudo- holiday that a card can be sold for.
Jimmy panicked when he realized he hadn’t gotten a card for his dad’s special day, but then quickly relaxed when he realized it was a Hallmark holiday - Father’s Day - and the card was optional.
by Grant Rampus June 20, 2021
Get the Hallmark holidaymug. A phenomena that occurs 2 times a day: morning and afternoon. When crawling to the coffee machine in a desperate need of caffeine, popping in the Keurig coffee pod, watching with anticipation the machine warming up, and to your horror the bright blue light pops on, thus signaling the realization the asshole who last used it didn’t refill the water container.
Joanie shuffled into the kitchen at 6am to get her much needed cup of coffee, and waited the requisite 45 seconds while the Keurig machine warmed up. Then the dreaded blue light appeared. In middle class society, Joanie was afflicted with what has become known as the Keurig blue light special.
by Grant Rampus September 7, 2019
Get the Keurig blue light specialmug. When all rational thought and behavior goes out the window on a sexual conquest. More succinctly put, when you are no longer in charge of rational decision making, as your dick is calling all the shots.
Larry was clearly no longer in control when he flirted so heavily out of his league with Linda. He was suffering from a case of dick-in-charge.
by Grant Rampus August 16, 2016
Get the Dick-in-chargemug.