Grant Rampus's definitions

Father’s Day

The one day a year the father is actually honored by his family and given a 24 hour pass to relax and not dole out money to his ungrateful kids or spend his entire weekend with a list of chores from his wife.

“Honey, I need you to clean out the garage after you mow the lawn. Oh wait, it’s Father’s Day, isn’t it? You can do those chores next weekend along with other ones I’ll have added to your list.

by Grant Rampus June 20, 2021

Landlord white

The universal paint color a landlord sprays on the walls of an apartment between tenants. Apparently blind to any of the hundreds of colors available, a landlord will universally choose “landlord white” harboring under the delusion that is what most tenants would choose if they had a choice.

Landlord: “I gave the apartment a fresh coat of paint before you move in.”
Tenant: “Let me guess: landlord white?”

by Grant Rampus November 28, 2020

Corporate amnesia

When a corporate directive is given, resources allocated and countless hours spent on an initiative, only to be questioned later (by the executive who actually gave the directive) why this directive is being executed and demanding to know who gave the directive.

Executive: I demand to know why we spent $958,000 on studying the t-sprocket usefulness when clearly we’re getting out of the t-sprocket business.

About to be fired employee: you did, sir. The executive was inflicted with corporate amnesia but fired the employee anyway.

by Grant Rampus August 30, 2019

Ice heat defeat

When you are self-treating a minor sprain and cannot remember if you apply ice first, then heat. Or heat than ice. Further complicated by the fact no one really knows no matter who you ask.

Jimmy applied ice to his sprained wrist then a heat pad. Then he applied the heat pad, then ice. He was covering his bases because he was trapped in the ice heat defeat.

by Grant Rampus November 25, 2019

Veep

A smartly-written show on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Although she plays the Vice President of the United States - hence the "Veep" show title, she might as well be playing Elaine from Seinfeld because she plays a character on Veep who is almost identical to Elaine's personality and mannerisms - with the delightful bonus of the gratuitous use of the word fuck.

Viewer 1: Hey, why is Elaine sitting in the Oval Office?

Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!

by Grant Rampus July 8, 2016

The Wire

Best show on HBO that no one has ever watched. Main reason for streaming HBO to your Apple TV, although you still won't watch it.

"Hey Dave, I just started streaming The Wire on Apple TV. Have you watched it?"
Dave replies, "Not yet but I've been meaning to for 14 years."

by Grant Rampus July 4, 2016

real estate agent

In hot real estate markets a housewife or soccer mom that subsidizes the household income by listing family and friend's houses for sale. Usually not very knowledgable about anything related to real estate, a real estate agent is often considered a career choice while raising children.

Hey hon, is your cousin Margie still a real estate agent or should we hire someone to sell the house? I can't remember if her kids are in school now.

by Grant Rampus July 4, 2016