Grant Rampus's definitions

Cigarette distance

The unit of measurement that smokers use between destinations to determine if they should light up a cigarette, with the reasonable certainty it will be smoked by the time they arrive. White trash only use this measurement when giving directions to other white trash.

Jimmy to his common law wife: How far is the Walmart from the bar?

Common law wife to Jimmy: the cigarette distance is about 3 cigarettes.

by Grant Rampus February 15, 2019

Child support payment

The monthly reminder of the poor choice you made to procreate with the delusional bitch who claims poverty, while simultaneously driving a BMW. A monthly financial obligation that rarely makes its way to actuallysupporting your children, the child support payment is synonymous with the 7-year car loan: a necessary evil you count down every month until it's no longer. Or you drop dead from the realization you'll be making these payments for years. Whichever comes first.

Loan officer: Sorry, but your child support payment has turned your debt-to-income ratio upside down and we cannot offer you a mortgage. Or a new car. Or anything that requires repayment.

by Grant Rampus July 6, 2016

Second Wife

Chronologically, the marital partner between first and third wives. Not to be confused with the hot chick at the office your current wife accuses you of wanting to bang (aka office wife). Historically, the second wife is the rebound relationship after dissolution of the first marriage and often your first wife’s best friend. Known in your friend circle as the chick who is blessed with heavenly fucking skills but also a nanny for your shared custody of your kids. General life shelf of the second wife is 5-7 years though this time frame can be extended if she comes equipped with a trust fund or unplanned inheritance.

After his divorce from his first wife, Tim was in need of someone to cart his kids around when he had them every other weekend, clean his apartment, and have sex when the mood hit. Tim was in need of a second wife.

by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019

Sell the dream, live the nightmare

The mantra of every salesperson alive, they promise the client unachievable results if they just sign on the line. Once the dream is sold, the operations team then needs to unravel the web of deceit sold and "recalibrate" the client's expectations (i.e., the nightmare).

Todd: " How did we lose our biggest client last week?"

Tyler: "It seems once they talked with Operations they realized there was no way they could make that deadline. Another classic example of 'sell the dream, live the nightmare."

by Grant Rampus July 31, 2016

Line-dick

The asshole in line at the counter of a convenience store who is oblivious to the growing line of customers behind them, while they continue to purchase more lottery tickets. Usually white trash as the main culprit, second place offenders are retirees. Problem amplified on pay day/social security check day.

What took you so long to get a loaf of bread?

Sorry, some line-dick was on a roll with scratch tickets.

by Grant Rampus July 11, 2016

Door hesitation

That critical moment of moral dilemma when you need to decide to hold the door open for somebody who is trailing behind you...or let it go. Generally resolved if you think they saw you looking at them - so you don't look like a complete asshole letting the door close on them. Problem can be compounded if the person running for the door is a hot chick but she's miles away and you look like a fucking doorman holding it for 3 minutes until she reaches the door.

Brad held up his lunch group heading to the cafe because he decided he needed to hold the door for Jenny, the hot chick from HR, that was headed her way. Brad was suffering from door hesitation.

by Grant Rampus August 12, 2016

Veep

A smartly-written show on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Although she plays the Vice President of the United States - hence the "Veep" show title, she might as well be playing Elaine from Seinfeld because she plays a character on Veep who is almost identical to Elaine's personality and mannerisms - with the delightful bonus of the gratuitous use of the word fuck.

Viewer 1: Hey, why is Elaine sitting in the Oval Office?

Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!

by Grant Rampus July 8, 2016