Grant Rampus's definitions

Wife salary

Rarely the main breadwinner in a marriage, the wife’s contribution to the household income to get a larger mortgage, fancier car, etc. Typically ranging from $30k to $45k, the wife salary also allows for smaller alimony or child support payments when the inevitable divorce happens.

When Tom met with the bank, he was able to explain why - through the wife salary - he qualified for a larger mortgage. Exact same argument when he met with the divorce attorney 2 years later, but the reverse argument in why he didn’t need to pay alimony.

by Grant Rampus September 25, 2021

Apology tour

What most celebrities and professional athletes have to embark upon after disgracing their families, co-workers, etc. for very bad personal decisions. Standouts include sleeping with the nanny or crashing your car while on a cocktail of fentanyl and cocaine. Playbook calls for an immediate retreat to a treatment center where you emerge 30 days later with a bible in hand.

This year’s #1 NFL draft pick was missing from society for 30 days, until last Tuesday when he emerged from Our Lady of Miraculous Recovery Treatment Center, bible in hand. Beginning his apology tour, he stepped up to the podium he began to thank those that helped him and was truly sorry for those he hurt during his recent car crash (high on cocaine) with the half-dressed nanny in the passenger seat.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023

Distance-in-law

The appropriate distance one must live from their in-laws so they can tolerate them. General rule of thumb is just far enough so they can't drop by unannounced.

When looking at new houses, Rick had to tactfully remind his new wife that the appropriate distance-in-law in that state was no less than 75 miles.

by Grant Rampus August 31, 2016

Sell the dream, live the nightmare

The mantra of every salesperson alive, they promise the client unachievable results if they just sign on the line. Once the dream is sold, the operations team then needs to unravel the web of deceit sold and "recalibrate" the client's expectations (i.e., the nightmare).

Todd: " How did we lose our biggest client last week?"

Tyler: "It seems once they talked with Operations they realized there was no way they could make that deadline. Another classic example of 'sell the dream, live the nightmare."

by Grant Rampus July 31, 2016

Line-dick

The asshole in line at the counter of a convenience store who is oblivious to the growing line of customers behind them, while they continue to purchase more lottery tickets. Usually white trash as the main culprit, second place offenders are retirees. Problem amplified on pay day/social security check day.

What took you so long to get a loaf of bread?

Sorry, some line-dick was on a roll with scratch tickets.

by Grant Rampus July 11, 2016

Child support payment

The monthly reminder of the poor choice you made to procreate with the delusional bitch who claims poverty, while simultaneously driving a BMW. A monthly financial obligation that rarely makes its way to actuallysupporting your children, the child support payment is synonymous with the 7-year car loan: a necessary evil you count down every month until it's no longer. Or you drop dead from the realization you'll be making these payments for years. Whichever comes first.

Loan officer: Sorry, but your child support payment has turned your debt-to-income ratio upside down and we cannot offer you a mortgage. Or a new car. Or anything that requires repayment.

by Grant Rampus July 6, 2016

Veep

A smartly-written show on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Although she plays the Vice President of the United States - hence the "Veep" show title, she might as well be playing Elaine from Seinfeld because she plays a character on Veep who is almost identical to Elaine's personality and mannerisms - with the delightful bonus of the gratuitous use of the word fuck.

Viewer 1: Hey, why is Elaine sitting in the Oval Office?

Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!

by Grant Rampus July 8, 2016