Grant Rampus's definitions

Stoplight rage

The indescribable frustration felt waiting an eternity for the stop light to turn green at an intersection. Further exacerbated by thinking your light is changing and you start to go, only to be still red and the other lane starts turning. And you feel like an asshole sitting partially out in the intersection with a 40% chance of being T-boned.

Stoplight rage is a leading cause of high blood pressure in middle aged guys in mustangs.

by Grant Rampus August 8, 2016

Earsighted

Most men, particularly husbands, are earsighted - the condition of being borderline deaf when 3 feet from their spouse. Problem amplified when their wife is assigning chores or talking about her day. Fortunately, those afflicted with being earsighted are usually quite adept at hearing far away, like when their friend has pulled into the driveway to take them away.

The doctor put down his ear scope after examining Jeff and asked him if his wife started a new job. Upon Jeff confirming, the ear doctor explained that Jeff was suffering from a case of being earsighted.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2022

Fucker’s Hip

An affliction of the sexually active whose hips are sore from banging their significant other too fast, too long, in one sexual episode. While generally not considered a long term problem, those suffering from this medical condition will take solace knowing that, while their hips have a dull ache, those on the receiving end of Fucker’s Hip have been fucked into virtual paralysis.

Crawling from his bed to the bathroom, and unable to put together any semblance of a gait, Dave knew immediately he was a victim of Fucker’s Hip.

by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019

Distance-in-law

The appropriate distance one must live from their in-laws so they can tolerate them. General rule of thumb is just far enough so they can't drop by unannounced.

When looking at new houses, Rick had to tactfully remind his new wife that the appropriate distance-in-law in that state was no less than 75 miles.

by Grant Rampus August 31, 2016

Corporate amnesia

When a corporate directive is given, resources allocated and countless hours spent on an initiative, only to be questioned later (by the executive who actually gave the directive) why this directive is being executed and demanding to know who gave the directive.

Executive: I demand to know why we spent $958,000 on studying the t-sprocket usefulness when clearly we’re getting out of the t-sprocket business.

About to be fired employee: you did, sir. The executive was inflicted with corporate amnesia but fired the employee anyway.

by Grant Rampus August 30, 2019

Apology tour

What most celebrities and professional athletes have to embark upon after disgracing their families, co-workers, etc. for very bad personal decisions. Standouts include sleeping with the nanny or crashing your car while on a cocktail of fentanyl and cocaine. Playbook calls for an immediate retreat to a treatment center where you emerge 30 days later with a bible in hand.

This year’s #1 NFL draft pick was missing from society for 30 days, until last Tuesday when he emerged from Our Lady of Miraculous Recovery Treatment Center, bible in hand. Beginning his apology tour, he stepped up to the podium he began to thank those that helped him and was truly sorry for those he hurt during his recent car crash (high on cocaine) with the half-dressed nanny in the passenger seat.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023

The Wire

Best show on HBO that no one has ever watched. Main reason for streaming HBO to your Apple TV, although you still won't watch it.

"Hey Dave, I just started streaming The Wire on Apple TV. Have you watched it?"
Dave replies, "Not yet but I've been meaning to for 14 years."

by Grant Rampus July 4, 2016