Grant Rampus's definitions

Divorce diet

The unintended weight loss that occurs from going through a divorce. Possibly nature's way of removing 15 years of being a sloth to get you ready for dating again. Don't throw the old clothes out yet; all lost weight comes back once settled down after the rebound relationship.

Holy shit, Monica is looking hot! She must be hitting the gym after Todd left her.

Nah, she's on the divorce diet. Enjoy the view before she gets remarried.

by Grant Rampus July 28, 2016

Real estate developer

The chief strategist of a building project and general rapist of the land needed to "improve" the community. Cunningly masters the art of deception as he solicits investors and prepares bogus tax returns for financing the project.

An expert at filing for bankruptcy at the end of every business cycle, still manages to live in a huge house, while those residents he displaced still search for affordable housing.

The real estate developer paid homage to the historical neighborhood he razed by cladding his own 15,000 square foot mansion in brick.

by Grant Rampus July 7, 2016

Veep

A smartly-written show on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Although she plays the Vice President of the United States - hence the "Veep" show title, she might as well be playing Elaine from Seinfeld because she plays a character on Veep who is almost identical to Elaine's personality and mannerisms - with the delightful bonus of the gratuitous use of the word fuck.

Viewer 1: Hey, why is Elaine sitting in the Oval Office?

Viewer 2: It's not Seinfeld, dude. It's Veep!

by Grant Rampus July 8, 2016

Fucker’s Hip

An affliction of the sexually active whose hips are sore from banging their significant other too fast, too long, in one sexual episode. While generally not considered a long term problem, those suffering from this medical condition will take solace knowing that, while their hips have a dull ache, those on the receiving end of Fucker’s Hip have been fucked into virtual paralysis.

Crawling from his bed to the bathroom, and unable to put together any semblance of a gait, Dave knew immediately he was a victim of Fucker’s Hip.

by Grant Rampus January 19, 2019

Earsighted

Most men, particularly husbands, are earsighted - the condition of being borderline deaf when 3 feet from their spouse. Problem amplified when their wife is assigning chores or talking about her day. Fortunately, those afflicted with being earsighted are usually quite adept at hearing far away, like when their friend has pulled into the driveway to take them away.

The doctor put down his ear scope after examining Jeff and asked him if his wife started a new job. Upon Jeff confirming, the ear doctor explained that Jeff was suffering from a case of being earsighted.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2022

Stoplight rage

The indescribable frustration felt waiting an eternity for the stop light to turn green at an intersection. Further exacerbated by thinking your light is changing and you start to go, only to be still red and the other lane starts turning. And you feel like an asshole sitting partially out in the intersection with a 40% chance of being T-boned.

Stoplight rage is a leading cause of high blood pressure in middle aged guys in mustangs.

by Grant Rampus August 8, 2016

Confubersion

The perplexed look of Uber customers on sidewalks staring at your car at a red light, trying to decide if you're their Uber driver or if it's a different blue Honda Accord they're supposed to get into.

The tourist couple approached the tan sedan at the red light and were reaching for the door handle of what they thought was their Uber driver's car. Hesitating to open the door, they were clearly struck with confubersion.

by Grant Rampus November 9, 2016