Boxcar Bob's definitions

tech suckport

English inproficient people, most of who are from China and India, that you must call when you are experiencing errors that make a software product unusable. If you can get a person that can speak some slight resemblance of the English language, consider yourself very lucky. Even then 99% percent of the time they will not be of any help whatsoever, and cause further confusion and even more errors.

Bob: This program is not working. Why don't I call Tech Support?
Joe: You mean Tech Suckport.
Bob: Yes
(Bob picks up the phone and dials the number for Tech Suckport)

Tech Suckport: Yellow. Meecrosof Tack Supaut. Ho ceen I hail yu?
Bob: Hello, I'm having this problem with source control in VSS 2005.
Tech Suckport: Wayt? Ee cent har ya?
Bob: Do you know how to speak Engllsh?
Tech Suckport: Ee don eendursta yo? Yo ned tack lauder.
Bob: I said DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH?
Tech Suckport: Aa. Ingle. I spek vahy god Ingle.
Bob: OK, can you please help me with my problem?
Tech Suckport: Yue prubleeme? Wat prubleeme ees. Plece tai me mah detuh. Ees prubleeme fatulleruh?
Bob: My problem is with Visual Source Safe. Yes it's a fatal error.
Tech Suckport: Oh Visah Sauce Saf. I don no no Sauce Saf. Eys nat mee specsalty. I well geetcowolka huno Sauch Saf.
Bob: Can your coworker speak English?
Tech Suckport: Oh yays. He takeen Eeassellcaws een skull. He leerning god Anglees een Eeassellcaws. I git hem no.
Bob: Never mind. It's hopeless.
Tech Suckport: No eederstend yu senteez. Pless repit.
(Bob slams down the phone)

by Boxcar Bob August 2, 2007

car alarm

A device which insecure people waste money on because they are afraid their sacred, shiny cars will be stolen. Since about 99.9% of car alarms are false alarms, however, the owners eventually forget why they got the alarm in the first place, and get used to their cars crying wolf after a few occurrences.

Occasionally this will encourage angry neighbors to do whatever they can to put themselves and these useless devices out of their misery. This may include vandalizing the offending cars until they can disarm the screeching, honking, blaring whiners. Therefore, car alarms actually lead to more damage than good, and are one of the most foolish inventions in the history of mankind.

For the fiftieth time in two weeks, the car alarm went off triggered by a bird who perched itself on the trunk, which caused a neighbor to get a baton and whack the offending automobile until he was able to get to the alarm and break it in two. Five minutes later, as the commercial break arrived during the action thriller movie, the car owner came out. Suddenly he realized that the alarm he had originally came to stop was no longer blaring away. He then saw the damage to his precious luxury and fainted.

by Boxcar Bob February 24, 2008

mockingbird

A bird who never sleeps, imitates other birds and animals, car horns, and whatnot, and doesn't shut up all night long, just because it is looking for a mate.

They can be recognized by their song: 'Chirrup chirrup chirrup tweet tweet tweet beep beep beep twirrup twirrup twirrup weet weet weet honk honk honk cheep cheep cheep bereep bereep bereep ...'

After being kept awake for 10 nights by the non-stop singing of the stupid mockingbird in the tree outside my bedroom, I lit up a stick of dynamite to blow up the tree and kill the annoying critter for good.

by Boxcar Bob November 5, 2006

USSA

USSA stands for Union of Socialist States of America. It's what the United States will become if the progressives take full control of all 3 branches of the government.

Progressive: I hate America. I hate capitalism. We need to become like the USSR.
Republican: No we cannot let that happen, we cannot become socialist. We cannot become the USSA. Most of the people will suffer. Look at Venezuela.
Progressive: You racist bigot. You climate change denier. You need to be locked up for your beliefs. Equality for everyone, even if it means giving up your hard earned money to people who don't want to work. It's USSA or we all die from global warming.

by Boxcar Bob March 12, 2019

sucking streak

A more alliterative and shameful way to describe a losing streak

Phil: The 76ers of the NBA have lost 15 in a row and the games were not even close!
Mike: Yes, they are in quite a sucking streak right now!

by Boxcar Bob March 20, 2014

Blair Johnson

A blah guy who sometimes fills in for supermodel hottie Ashley Russell on Yahoo Sports Minute and Rivals Minute.
When he fills in, it is a major disappointment for many, including non-sports fans, who watch the videos solely to admire and drool over the sexy blonde.

The young man opened up Rivals Minute one morning, prepared to enjoy the stunning beauty of Ashley Russell, only to find that Blair Johnson was filling in for her. "I hate when that guy fills in for her", he said. "How dare she take a day off?"

by Boxcar Bob July 3, 2009

antimedicine

A medicine, often advertised on TV commercials as revolutionary, that is known to cause more problems than it cures.

TV Commercial for Allerelieva (antimedicine):

It's pollen season, so when you're suffering with allergies, you need the new Allerelieva!
(Beautiful music plays, happy people shown dancing)
This revolutionary new formula will rejuvenate you and get you through those warm spring days allergy free!
(Spectacular nature scenes shown)
But Allerelieva is not for everyone! Side effects may include sore throat, runny nose, fever, coughing, shortness of breath, seizures, and death.
(Relaxing music continues to play, people shown enjoying gorgeous mountains)
If you suffer with allergies, consult your physician now to see if Allerelieva is right for you.

by Boxcar Bob March 29, 2007